Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.
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Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
(Edit: Not the way I mop....hahahahahahah)
- What do Eskimos get from sitting around in their igloos for too long?
Polaroids!
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The 25 Best Reasons to Be a Guy
- You can go to the bathroom without needing a support group for accompaniment.
- You can pee standing up or sitting down, or even while taking a shower - your choice. In fact, the world is your urinal. And, as a bonus, you can pee your name in the snow!
- The toilet always seems to clean itself, and even if it doesn't that does not worry you.
- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
- Even though your tits are basically the same as a girl's, you can whip your shirt off on a hot day and show them anywhere in public without getting arrested. And, as a further bonus, people's eyes don't keep darting to your chest when you’re talking to them.
- You can fart anywhere and as loudly as you like, and you can even get people to pull your finger before doing it.
- You can use the same hairstyle for years, if not for decades.
- Wrinkles and gray hair add character to your face.
- Your old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
- One wallet, one belt, one pair of shoes; the perfect outfit for every day of the year.
- Three pairs of shoes, total, are plenty for all of your needs.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes, and you never have strap problems in public.
- A short vacation only needs a single carry-on suitcase.
- You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
- You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
- You get to enjoy movie nudity which is virtually always female. And most porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
- You know the truth about why you don’t call a woman back after the first date - which is that there was a good football game on TV and the next day and you plain forgot.
- In a relationship you can fix everything with flowers.
- Weddings seem to plan themselves.
- Buying a wedding dress costs $2000, whereas a tuxedo rental costs $75.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- You don’t have to know the names of more than 5 colors.
- You don't need to feel more than three emotions, total, ranging from good to bad.
- You don't need to talk about problems, you just fix them.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
The other day I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my nuts and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard, as he staggered out the door..
Stupid cow ... why else would I buy dog food?
When I was at school my teacher used to say to me "staring out the window will get you no where in life.."
You can imagine the cheeky look on my face as he drove up to the drive through.
I thought my hot new girlfriend might be "The One", but after going through her knicker draw and finding a nurses uniform, a french maids outfit and a policewomans uniform i've dumped her. It's obvious she can't hold down a f@%#!n job..........
to the woman with the 6 screaming kids all under 8yrs old at WalMart, if you're wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart, You're welcome!
BF : Babe ;) What Are You Doing?
GF : Nothing Much !! Really Tired ;') .
Just Going To Sleep Now Honey... And You Sweetheart?
BF : In The Club Standing Behind You