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The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.
Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.
Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor
Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.
And for the Kiwi's amongst us:
Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.
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A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear. ‘You’ve got two choices,’ says the bear. ‘I maul you, or we have sex.’
The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the p!ssed-off hunter searches out and shoots the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him.
‘Admit it,’ says the bear. ‘You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?’
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I phoned a psychic hotline and said "can you tell me where my father is?"
"Sure" replied the lady, "your father is currently fishing off the coast of hawaii.."
"Bullshit!" I replied, "my father has been dead for the last fifteen years you stupid bitch!"
"Correction!" said the lady on the phone, "your mothers husband has been dead for fifteen years. Your father is currently fishing off the coast of hawaii.."
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a guy walks into a bar and says can i have a pint of bitter ....while hes waitin hes sees and old man with the head the size of a cueball so being curious he goes over and says dont mean to be rude but why u got a small head.. he said i did it in the war my ship was blown up and i was deserted on a desert island and lived on cocunuts for 3 years when a mermaid swam up to me and granted me 3 wishes ok i want to be back in the uk ...GRANTED i also want to be a millionaire ..GRANTED i would also like sex with you ...im sorry sir but us mermaids cant have sex....ok well how about a little head
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My next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line. I nearly sh1t her pants.
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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked..
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Kill any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked..
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone
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Three men died and stood in front of God.
God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry. ‘What's the matter?’ ‘I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!’
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Look people, It's spelled B-E-F-O-R-E, not B4... we speak English, not bingo.
