"I'm not fat, I'm festively plump"
~Eric Cartman ~
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"I'm not fat, I'm festively plump"
~Eric Cartman ~
No, you just fat. PMLQuote:
Originally Posted by Clunk
The one thing women dont want to find in their stockings on christmas morning
is their husbands.
~ Joan Rivers
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day - the birth of Santa?
- Bart Simpson (Matt Groening)
When you stop believing in Santa,
you get underwear.
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
“Of all the paths you take in life,
make sure a few of them are dirt.”
~ John Muir
My thoughts today go out to those who suffer in silence,
and for what ever reason will be having a crappy christmas.
Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
- Andy Borowitz
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for twenty minutes.
- Julius Sharpe ?@juliussharpe
This'll be me today :)
Sooo looking forward to your Thought for the Day, post office Xmas party Growler! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by growler2058
It’s the holiday season. Let the overeating begin!
- Melanie White
“I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
A safe and merry Xmas to all.
I'm giving my Xmas wish to BA for a successful changeover.
On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me,
12 dudes I'm blocking,
11 friends just watching,
10 corny topics,
9 busted barbies,
8 friends complaining,
7 stalkers stalking,
6 party invites,
Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,
4 game requests,
3 photo tags,
2 friends-a-pokin
& a creep who won't stop inboxing meeee!
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
- Bob Phillips
A Politically Correct Christmas Poem
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".
To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.
So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.
And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to be careful with that word today
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere...even you!
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"
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Carl Sagan tells the truth
“Success is never final
and failure never fatal.
It is courage that counts.”
~ Author Unknown
“Never look down on anybody
unless you’re helping him up.”
~ Jesse Jackson
My mother in law says, ' Men are perfect except for everything they say and do' I think she's putting s..t on me!
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
“The value of an idea lies in the using of it.”
~ Thomas Edison
Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
Kin Hubbard
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.
Robert Anthony
Occasionally ask, "What is the connection between what I want most in life and anything I plan to do today?"
~Robert Brault
A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Don’t speak unless you can
improve on the silence.”
~ Spanish Proverb
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Oh yeah know all about it
Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them.
George Eliot
Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.
~Russel Baker