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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asked.
"Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there," he suggested.
"But what about the smell?" she asked.
"Just hold its nose."
...the man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick
It's great though. It provides me with everything i need -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.
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I had to look up "paraprosdokian". The definition reads: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheques
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, please notify...' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt…….plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom…. "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
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Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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The newly married couple was on the topic of children.
The bride wanted three, while the husband said two was enough.
They discussed it for a long time until the husband decided to put an end to things.
"It's simple," he said with finality. "After our second child, I'll have a vasectomy."
Without hesitation, his bride replied, "Then I hope you'll love our third child as if it were your own!"
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A young lad examined his testicles while taking a bath, "mum", he asked, "are these my brains", Not Yet she replied............
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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity
so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... and it was a long, sensual, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
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belated kid friendly Halloween/Guising joke -yeah yeah, I'm an Aussie but our 6 yr old has been infected by the teen age neighbours
On which day to Halloween Monsters prefer to chew their lollies?
Chewsday.
Worth the wait, eh! :-)
