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A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he
shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. .. ....
Wait for it ... ......
It's coming ..... .....
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She said ... ....:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ..
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
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I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire what steps would you take?"
'EFFIN big ones' was apparently the wrong answer!
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He said: "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said: "You wear pants, don't you?"
I sat my son down, opened my laptop, and said, "Son, it's time we had a talk about pornography."
He looked worried.
"What about?", he asked.
"How do I get past these filters without your mom knowing?", I asked.
Thought i saw your name on the side of a bread truck this morning, but when i looked again i realised it actually said 'Thick Cut'........
If your lover is overweight, then get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening. By the end of the week the fat bastard should be 42miles away.....
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead". Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The officer gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
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Just saw a sign that made me sh1t myself...
Toilets Closed......
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I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that.
A little boy got on the bus,
sat next to a man who was reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked the man,
"Why do you wear your collar backwards?"
The man, who was a priest, said,
"I am a Father."
The little boy replied,
"My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered,
''I am the Father of many."
The boy said,
''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren,
and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said.
"I am the Father of hundreds."
and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for awhile, and then said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom and
put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
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After being married for twelve years, my wife asked me to describe her.
I looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
I said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely. .... What about I, J, K?"
I said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
My left eye is still swollen....but the doctor has informed me that I will be able to see things much clearer in the future.
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I staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks me, "What happened!!"
"Well, it was like this,"I said. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ...... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake,"
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
