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Texting for Seniors
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.
Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.
ATD
At The Doctor's
BFF
Best Friend Fainted
BTW
Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT
Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM
Covered By Medicare
CGU
Can't get up
CUATSC
See You At The Senior Center
DWI
Driving While Incontinent
FWB
Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW
Forgot Where I Was
FYI
Found Your Insulin
GGPBL
Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA
Got Heartburn Again
HGBM
Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO
Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO
Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL
Living On Lipitor
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On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life . For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page onthe Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
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my darling wife has finally told me the true meaning of the word ...............b!tch !!!!!
being in total control of him
i dont find that funny after all these years hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahah
no wonder she agrees with me when i call her that ....roflmfao
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There are just some e-mails you simply can't send to everybody.....
What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND works best when it is jerked?
A Seatbelt you pervert!
Buckle up!
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The Glasgow Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked..
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh ."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...
1.
Death
2.
Taxes
3.
Being screwed by a lawyer
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I never knew this.
Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is
deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool some people.
I am sorry, the devil made me do it!!!
I fell for it too.
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my wife was rushed to the hospital unexpectedly, and asked me to bring her some items from home including "comfortable underwear".
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "But how will I know which ones are comfortable?"
She answered, "Hold them up and imagine me in them. If you smile, put 'em back!"
