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Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: A party.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.
Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned his attention to the lawyer... "Name them."
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A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.
"While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins....
Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.
Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".
Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
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A pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:
C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?
POM - 1 week.
C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?
POM - Business.
C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?
POM - I didn't think we still needed to!
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A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.
She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked "Do I know you?"
The woman answers "I think your the father of one of my kids".
The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.
So he says to the woman "are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?" "You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table ?"
The woman looks at him horrified and says "No, I'm your son's teacher".
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Had to read it twice hahaha
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Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
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One day in a small town during really stormy weather, the town
begins to flood. Everyone rushes to lifeboats and begins to
flee. But in a church a prriest sits on the alter and does not
move. A man runs up to him.
Man- "Father, come quickly, we have a lifeboat ready for you".
Priest- No, there is no need for me to flee for the lord will
provide and he will save me".
Man- "Suit yourself"
A few hours later the water has risen up to the alter where the
priest is standing. A lifeboat zooms through the door with a few
men in it. One man calls to the priest.
Man- "Father come quickly"
Priest- "No, for the lord will provide and he will save me.
So the lifeboat zooms off. A few hours later the water has risen
up to the crucifix on which the priest is hanging on. A lifeboat
zooms in.
Man- Father, the town is flooding, you must come with us to
safety.
Priest- No, the lord will provide. He will save me.
A few hours later the water rose up to the roof and the priest
drowned. Later in heaven the priest met god and said:
Man- "Lord, why didn't you save me? I had so much faith>
God- What are you talking about!!!!!! I sent 3 bl00dy lifeboats
to rescue you?
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Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.
They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.
"Don't they know their supposed to let us play through?!" asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough!"
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"
The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat."
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - "Small world isn't it!"
