The Joke Thread

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bi**h knows I'm smarter than her.

we all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:smile: means a smile and
:frown: is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around




(_x_) kiss my arse


(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb arse

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute;

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?


22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

WOMAN'S DIARY

28 July 2007 Saturday


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we
made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - MAN'S DIARY:



Saturday 28 July


Australia lost the cricket.

Gutted.

Got a root though.

It's not what you say but how you say it...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the
first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached
her and said:

"Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

Hahahahahahahahahah................roflmao

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by gec

we all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:smile: means a smile and
:frown: is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around




(_x_) kiss my arse


(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb arse

---

Love it gec ... simple is often the best!!! Well done mate.

A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

Why'd they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow was already taken!

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Your family tree is a cactus full of pricks.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok you two, don't start anything.

New Bra Design
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A & M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

Teacher was explaining to the class that humans were the only creatures that stuttered and asked the class what they thought of that.
Little Mary put up her hand and said she didn't think that was true.
Teacher said she thought it was but perhaps Mary could tell class why she thought otherwise.
Well, Mary said , her Gran had given her a lovely little kitten for her birthday and they were playing out in the backyard when the neighbours big dog saw them through the fence. It took a run up, jumped and cleared the fence and rushed up to little Kitty and me and that's when kitty stuttered.
Good Heavens said the teacher, how do you mean?
Well, Mary said, Kitty said FFFFF..........FFFFF..........FFFFF....but before she could say F*** OFF the dog ate her.

A Queensland jackaroo is overseeing his mob in remote territory when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a cloud of dust towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the jackaroo,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your mob,
will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously not a local, then looks at
his peacefully grazing mob and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives
an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the
data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his blackberry and, after a
few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the jackaroo and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows
and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Jackaroo.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the Jackaroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of
expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to
show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle .. This is a
mob of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by toddrhind

A Queensland jackaroo is overseeing his mob in remote territory when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a cloud of dust towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the jackaroo,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your mob,
will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously not a local, then looks at
his peacefully grazing mob and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives
an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the
data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his blackberry and, after a
few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the jackaroo and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows
and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Jackaroo.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the Jackaroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of
expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to
show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle .. This is a
mob of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

---

It says it all really doesn't it?? lolol

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by toddrhind

A Queensland jackaroo is overseeing his mob in remote territory when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a cloud of dust towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the jackaroo,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your mob,
will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously not a local, then looks at
his peacefully grazing mob and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives
an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the
data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his blackberry and, after a
few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the jackaroo and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows
and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Jackaroo.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the Jackaroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of
expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to
show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle .. This is a
mob of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

---

LOL............Nice.

Toddy
absobloodylutely magnificent
Col

Andy(AB),Paul(PATCH(97) and Bob(BOB) went 4 wheel driving up the high Country and Paul was driving.
When attempting to climb up to the Bluff Hut Paul was not paying attention and dropped off the Track and we were all killed.
Unfortunately none of us qualified for Heaven and went downstairs.
The three of us were lined up by the Devil's assistant and he proceeded as follows

Bob you are to walk down that Passage and enter room 201.
I walked down the Passage and entered room 201 and there laying on a bed was the fattest and ugliest woman that you could imagine. The door was welded shut behind me and a voice came over the intercom which said Bob for all your sins on earth this is what you must suffer for eternity.

Andy you are to walk down the Passage and enter room 301
Andy walked down the Passage and entered room 301 and there laying on the bed was an old hag with warts hanging off her nose. The door was welded shut behind And and a voice came over the intercom which said Andy for all your sins on earth this is what you must suffer for eternity.

Paul you are to walk down the Passage and enter room 401.
Paul walked down the Passage and entered room 401 and there laying on the bed was Bo Derrick with no clothes on. The door was welded shut and a voice came over the intercom which said Bo Derrick for all your sins on earth this is what you must suffer for eternity

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bob

Andy(AB),Paul(PATCH(97) and Bob(BOB) went 4 wheel driving up the high Country and Paul was driving.
When attempting to climb up to the Bluff Hut Paul was not paying attention and dropped off the Track and we were all killed.
Unfortunately none of us qualified for Heaven and went downstairs.
The three of us were lined up by the Devil's assistant and he proceeded as follows

Bob you are to walk down that Passage and enter room 201.
I walked down the Passage and entered room 201 and there laying on a bed was the fattest and ugliest woman that you could imagine. The door was welded shut behind me and a voice came over the intercom which said Bob for all your sins on earth this is what you must suffer for eternity.

Andy you are to walk down the Passage and enter room 301
Andy walked down the Passage and entered room 301 and there laying on the bed was an old hag with warts hanging off her nose. The door was welded shut behind And and a voice came over the intercom which said Andy for all your sins on earth this is what you must suffer for eternity.

Paul you are to walk down the Passage and enter room 401.
Paul walked down the Passage and entered room 401 and there laying on the bed was Bo Derrick with no clothes on. The door was welded shut and a voice came over the intercom which said Bo Derrick for all your sins on earth this is what you must suffer for eternity

---

Like it!!! Well done Bob ... sorry Paul, but if the orthepaedic shoe fits !!! lol

LOLOLOL............... I cant understand how I missed this one BR & im more than happy to become Bo Derrick's Punishment...LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by patch697

LOLOLOL............... I cant understand how I missed this one BR & im more than happy to become Bo Derrick's Punishment...LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

---

Yeah you did come out of that the Winner. I was the one that was supposed to get Bo but I must have got too excited

I think I'll end up with Susan Boyle!!! lol ... or is that, she'll end up with me?? hmmmmm ... lmfao

Jeeeeeez Plazzy
that's dreadful, you orta be ashamed
Col.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Plasnart

What's green and goes up and down?






A cucumber in an elevator!!!

Gotta love these stupid Xmas jokes!

---

I thought it was a cracker Plassy...... laughed my A off.......

Prozac

DEAR DIARY

DAY 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

DAY 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

DAY 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

DAY 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

DAY 5: What absolute bliss!!

DAY 6: Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

DAY 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

DAY 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

DAY 9: No time to write. He might catch me.

DAY 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

DAY 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

DAY 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

DAY 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

DAY 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

DAY 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.

DAY 16: The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

DAY 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again.

DAY 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. Bliss!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by gec

Prozac

DEAR DIARY

DAY 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

DAY 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

DAY 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

DAY 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

DAY 5: What absolute bliss!!

DAY 6: Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

DAY 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

DAY 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

DAY 9: No time to write. He might catch me.

DAY 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

DAY 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

DAY 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

DAY 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

DAY 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

DAY 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.

DAY 16: The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

DAY 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again.

DAY 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. Bliss!!

---

Top read, Top marks....ROFLMAO

Just read this one, it was posted by Hogman on The 4WD Show forum, really appealed to my strange sense of humor.

Proud to be an Aussie
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British , in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory, Lucky Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."



Just makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian!

LOLOLOLOL........................Mine too Doggy........Top marks.......lololol

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by The Dogman

Just read this one, it was posted by Hogman on The 4WD Show forum, really appealed to my strange sense of humor.

Proud to be an Aussie
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British , in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory, Lucky Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."



Just makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian!

---

Love it mate, still laughing my ass off!!!

If Men Got Pregnant...

* Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay.

* There'd be a cure for stretch marks.

* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.

* All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness.

* Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.

* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

* They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.

* Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00pm.

* Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags.

* They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."

* Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.

* They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.

* Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.

and the human race would be extinct !!!

The Perfect Job

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I
got canned...couldn't concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited
for it...mainly because it was just a sew-sew job.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little
spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too
exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance
company, but the work was just too draining.

I attempted to be a deli worker,but any way I sliced it,I
couldn't cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I was fired from a job at a zoo feeding the giraffes because
I just wasn't up to it.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't
fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.

I found being an electrician was interesting, but the work
was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got
a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in
it.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have
the patients to finish.

My very best job was being a musician, but eventually I
found I wasn't noteworthy.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I
couldn't live on my net income.

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.


It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 000?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.

"Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . .masturbate.

"Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just... just... excited?" my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.

And giggle

And then even laugh loudly. :lol: :lol:

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just.. that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little....."

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.


Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!


Moral of the story:

Pay attention in biology class -
lizards lay eggs

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

yesterday my wife asked why dont i do somthing useful with my time
she suggested i go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys
i did this and when i got home last night i told her that i had joined a
parachute club
she said are you nuts? your almost 70 years old and your going to start jumping out of airplanes??
i proudly showed her that i even got a membership card
she said to me 'you idiot where are your glasses !
this is a membership to a prostitute club not a parachute club!!!
im in trouble again and dont know what to do
i signed up for 5 jumps a week
life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier....

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

Two eggs were boiling in a pan, one said to the other "Would you like to see my crack?"
The other replied "I'm not even hard yet!!!"


Two parrot on a Perch, one said to the other "Do you smell fish?"


Two Goldfish in a tank, one said to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"


Two sausages in a frying pan, one said to the other "It's hot in here",
"F@#@ me a talking sausage!!!!" said the other


OK ok ok I know ............... I'll stop now

Guy says to a sexy girl in the bar "Hey dont you work at Subway " ...."No why says the girl "...."because you just gave me a foot long".....

Hey Clunk, thanks for this one mate, really appeals to my warped sense of humour, love it.http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/
Two sausages in a frying pan, one said to the other "It's hot in here",
"F@#@ me a talking sausage!!!!" said the other

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by The Dogman

Hey Clunk, thanks for this one mate, really appeals to my warped sense of humour, love it.http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/
Two sausages in a frying pan, one said to the other "It's hot in here",
"F@#@ me a talking sausage!!!!" said the other

---

Cheers Doggy, I've got a pretty warped sense of humour too, I like them short and sweet, can't be dealing with reading for 10 mins to get to the punchline hahahaha........ I'm so lazy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

Love the jokes Guys..... Top effort.


Cheers
Paul