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Skinny little Paddy goes into a lift, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees little Paddy staring at him. He looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 35 stone, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown'.
Paddy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you"?
In a weak voice Paddy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big man says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 35 stone, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown'.
"Turner Brown?... Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, Turn around"!
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is a sleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all; it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"
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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack
wasn’t what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person
does that to someone’s Advent calendar…
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
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BUNNING'S SCAM - be careful!!**
A warning for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at Bunnings Hardware.
Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam.
Simply going out to get some bits and bobs has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive to think it couldn't happen to you!
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and window cleaner, almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look!
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another shopping centre.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start copulating with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs does what you were dreaming of for you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen on April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 11th, 12th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.
Please pass this message on to all you know to warn them about this scam.
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A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
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There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar.
Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.
How 'bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same
high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."
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The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?' The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do
it? 'The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta
keepthe old motor running..'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'
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You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
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Paddy goes to the vet carrying his goldfish in a bowl.
He tells the vet "I think my goldfish has epilepsy!"
The vet looks at the goldfish and says "he seems perfectly fine to me."
"Oh no", says Paddy "you haven't taken him out of the bowl yet".
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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
