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Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure for the following reasons :
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "Honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "Shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "Food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "Opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "Solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "Please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "The rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK and Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by
katwoman
(sorry Bob. )
now that is not bad. have to give that one to you kat LOL LOL RAFLMAO
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Some more Quickies for you.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.......can you believe that....... 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection....... but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well, we were married for nearly 20 years "
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"F*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
A man walks into a Wellington pub and orders a white wine Spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound like an Aussie",
"I'm from across the ditch in Melbourne," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the ditch?"
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?",
"I mount animals."
"It’s alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
I Spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened the parcel and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
An old lady is being examined by the Dr.
He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says F#ck;Yes I have, and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my @rse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
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Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down?
Tough sumbich.
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old "Dukes of Hazard" fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.
One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head.
I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.
So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?
You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.
Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.
I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... "OH SHOOT"! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.
The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...
"THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE"!!!!!!!
There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That sumbich got up and ran off.
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:
"ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE"!!!!!
His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.
I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.
One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.
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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need Sam’s help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don’t know,” he said. “She is till upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors", he says
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and askes for his two words. He clears his throat and says
"Bad food".
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for two more words.
"I quit" he says
"That's not surprising," an elder says.
"You've done nothing but complain since you got here"
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The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the town’s preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your Father.”
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A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
