The Joke Thread

A tough looking group of Harley Davidson bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man from Chicago , gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering sensual kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

New Centrelink Telephone Greeting:
Wouldn't it be amazing, if this caught on,
All over the country...?

'GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO "CENTRELINK" THE AUSTRALIAN SOCIAL SERVICES AND BENEFITS OFFICE'

"Press '1' if you speak English."
''Press ''2'' to disconnect until you can."
Have a nice day.

Why Men Should't Write Advice Columns

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in teh house watching TV. My car stalled, and then broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in bed with the neighbour's daughter.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past 6 months. He won't go to counselling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you help please?
Sincerely, Sheila.

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.
Regards, John.

NEVER TRUST AN OLD GUY

A Woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and
asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home,
she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young,
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you
to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you
EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street
until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse
and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast
and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together
and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts,
removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,
'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says,
'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonalds'

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

_______________

Franchise Opportunity
__________________






A friend of mine just started his own business in Canada.

He manufactures land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing very well.

He says that prophets are going through the roof!

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas
party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling,
He wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in
the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little
hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite
dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is hot breakfast,steaming hot
coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
'Son...what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the
coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye
when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried
to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!!

A tourist traveling in America sees an Indian village and during the conversation that followed with the American Indian Chief, the tourist asked what the Chief's wife name was. The Chief replied "Five Horses". The tourist said that it seemed a strange name and asked what it meant.

The Chief replied"Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag".

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally. Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the Bathroom, *poof *!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof *!, the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

'Ethel,' he says, 'George is fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof *! The light goes off?'

'OH MY GOD!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you
will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe..

We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to
hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

.
.
.
.
.
.
."You got MALE!"