nice keep em comin
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nice keep em comin
TOMMY COOPER JOKES
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual....'
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'
14. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
Doing it wrong!!!!
Nicely done mate....lolololololololol
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. [This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake].
* SINBAD.
Single Income No boyfriend And Desperate
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake [e.g. you've hit 'reply all ].
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Got stopped for speeding yesterday.
I thought i could talk my way out of it,
until the officer looked at
my dog in the back seat.
To my dear husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had today with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it wasn't too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry about me.
I was coming home from shopping, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a stop when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I enclosed a picture for you just to put you mind at ease.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife,
XXXXXXXXXX
Oh, by the way, your girlfriend called.
\Quote:
Originally Posted by NickBGU4
ROTFLMAO..........................Top effort.
They were a crack up.
Seagull manager...lol...Never heard that one.
lol^^^^
good jokes !
keeping
The teacher told Pepito to use the Following words in a sentence:
**
1. *Cheese**
Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.*
**
*2. *Mushroom**
*When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.*
**
3. *Shoulder**
My fren wants 2 become a citizen, but che didn't know how to read,*
So I, shoulder.*
***
4. ** Texas ***
When I'm not home, my fren always Texas me,*
Che wonders where I*am!*
***
5. *Herpes**
Me and my fren ordered pizza.**
I got mine piece,then che got herpes.*
**
*6. *July***
Ju told me ju were going to tha store, but ju went to see sum guy. July to me!* Julyer!*
***
7. *Rectum***
I had 2 cars, but my wife rectum!*
***
8. *Chicken***
I was going to go to the store with my wife*, but che said chicken go herself.*
***
9. *Wheelchair***
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair*
***
10. *Chicken* *wing**
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.*
***
11. *Harassment**
My wife caught me in bed with another women.*
I told her,* "Honey, harassment nothen to me.*
***
12. *Bishop***
My wife fell down the stair, so I had to pick the bishop.*
**
13. *Body wash***
I want to go to the club, but no body wash my kids.*
***
14. *Budweiser***
That women has a nice body,*Budweiser face so ugly?*
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,*'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered,*'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'* Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.*Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:*'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:*'9.'*
Principal: 'What is6 x 6?'*
Harry:*'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.*
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,*'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'*
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,'Let me ask him some questions.'*
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks,*'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'*
Harry, after a moment:*'Legs.'
Ms Brooks:*'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'*
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!*
Harry replied:*'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks:*'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:*'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks:*What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish
liquid?'*
Harry:*'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.*
Ms. Brooks:*'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'*
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,*'Bubble gum.'*
Ms. Brooks:*'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'*
Harry:*'Shake hands.'*
The principal was trembling..*
Ms. Brooks:*'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'*
Harry:*'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.
That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another
patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo replies,
'Shhh, I'm s h a g g i n g Kenny's wife while he's in*Melbourne '.
What does a Muslim pus*sy look like????
lol. some good ones coming through!
ITALIAN PREGNANCY
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
'You try again.' and the mom fainted..
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door.
When the madam came to answer it, she saw this little boy and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn’t leaving until he got it. The madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. But he said he’d heard that all the men were having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others.
He said: “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I’m going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I just caught. When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitters bones, and he’ll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and mom will go to bad and they’ll have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he’ll have a quickie with mom, and he’ll catch it and HE’S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.
Thanks for the laugh Doggie, just glad I wasn't drinking a cuppa when I read them...
Love the cat carrier mate!!!
After Monday and Tuesday there's W T F.
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The
firefighter looked a little closer. *The girl had tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want
to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'
One for the AFL people (mostly mexicans).
First Neil Mitchell named the Collingwood players that the police have questioned regarding harrassing some girl. Now he has named the girl too.
The girls name is Nick Reiwoldt and she reckons three Collingwood players harrassed her for about 100 minutes the Saturday before last. :)
Further to that latest info say Leon Davis was accused of it the week before but said he didn't touch anyone all day.
Hi guys, haven't been around much lately, but got a good one for ya's ;)
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,
athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,
he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes
and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best,
but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting
in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another
20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound
program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you,
you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Man killed on golf course
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those "F------ LESSONS" I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken "golf lessons" instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43........
Answers To Everything
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing... "Hey, this tastes like sh!t!"
Then I would say,"It IS sh!t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
Dumb Kid A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,"This is the dumbest kid
in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and
asks, "Which do you want, son?
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar the game's over!"
Exercise for 40 and older
I am using this method......is anybody else doing it?
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.
Then try 50-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level,put a potato in each of the sacks.
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to
Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM
IS.
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's party. Jack was not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.
He took the aspirins, cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16-year-old son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, 'Son, what happened last night?'
Well, you came home after 3 A.M. drunk and out of your mind; you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replied, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!'
Broken coffee Table $239.99
Hot breakfast $4.20
Two aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS
Be Careful Who You Flirt With
A couple was invited to a swanky family, masked Halloween party. The
wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there as no need
for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So, he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,
decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume
was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let
him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After
more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and
she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make up for this outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never danced one dance. When I got there,
I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the into the
spare room and played poker all evening."
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad,
apparently he had the time of his life."
Are you using the right tool ?
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a b**** TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling 'Son of a b****' at the top of your lungs. Used in
conjunction with any of the other tools and processes above. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need right afterwards .
The scary thing about that is I can relate to almost every single one!
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Great work mate! cracked me up.
Some people overseas still have no idea what Australia is like. I'm sure thousands of Amercians still think we ride Kangaroos to school/work!
Every comment made me laugh. Thanks Rkinsey.
Yep the Yanks are gullible.
This isnt a joke and actually happened, but bloody funny.
Many years ago (about 20) after leaving the military I was travelling around Australia as a door to door salesman. I traveled with about 25 other people working and travelling their way around Aus. The were a bunch from all over the world, Canada, Sweden, UK, US etc.
We were on our way to Alice Springs from Adelaide so we decided to stop over at Uluru and have a look around. We got up before dawn and headed to the rock and spent the best part of 2 hours getting to the top.
The view from the top of the rock is spectacular and you can see for miles in absolutely every direction. I was standing, looking off into the distance, remembering that I had just left my camera in the glove box of the car so was drinking in the sight of the Olgas over in the distance when about half a dozen of the crew I was traveling with came over. One young Canadian fella asks "Hey Rob, Whats that?" He was pointing at the Olgas.
Now, in the distance, The Olgas do look similar in shape to Uluru although a little bigger, and made up of the same red sandstone as Uluru. I picked up a small piece of the rock the size of a pebble and easily crushed it to sand between my thumb and finger and said "Thats the old Uluru. See all the paths and grooves worn into the rock? (The Olgas look like a group of boulders sitting together) Well, we've had that many tourists climb all over the thing in the past ten years they have eroded it down quite extensively so they have had to build this one you are standing on now....."
The group of Japanese tourists standing not far off started laughing as their tour guide was translating what I had just said.
The group I was with just looked at me nodding their heads looking at the Olgas.......
As I breath, this is a true story..
Cheers,
Rob
Puns for Educated Minds
1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
2. No matter how much you push the envelope, itll still be stationery.
3. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
4. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
5. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
6. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here, Ill go on a head.
7. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
8. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
9. A backward poet writes inverse.
10. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, youd be in Seine.
11. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, Im sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
12. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you cant have your kayak and heat it too.
13. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, Ive lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, Im positive.
14. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.