That's not hair sprouting out of you Winnie, it's bullsh1t!! HahaQuote:
Originally Posted by Winnie
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That's not hair sprouting out of you Winnie, it's bullsh1t!! HahaQuote:
Originally Posted by Winnie
VB is the only beer. If any one ends up with a fridge full of unwanted real mans beer (VB) Winnie and I would be only too happy to help you out. mmmmmmmmmmm beer
I like you Steve. I will claim any unwanted VB.
Sick forkrs
Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve4wdin
It's appropriate that this discussion is in the joke threadQuote:
Originally Posted by Winnie
Nobody asked you Lucas. Me and Kris so will make G man drunk some good beer ie VB
Nup..........Quote:
Originally Posted by Winnie
VB and chillies?
The boss of vb and the boss of xxxx go to the pub.
The vb boss orders a vb
The xxxx boss orders a lemonade.
The vb boss says "why didn't you order a xxxx?"
And the xxxx boss replies "if you aren't drinking real beer, than neither will I!!!"
Cheers
I drink XXXX ,cos its easier to spell than BEER ! :wink:
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
And whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy.....
TARZAN Meets JANE
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had Sex.
"Tarzan not know Sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what Sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing, and lay down on the ground.
"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
Good old Bob Hawk.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMa0...e_gdata_player
That was bloody funny.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben-e-boy
Why has santa got such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
An spy agency had three recruits to put through the final stage of initiation. To guys and one girl.
They took the first guy, gave him a loaded gun, and said "we need to know that you can follow orders to the letter, no matter what! In that room is your wife. Take this gun and kill her!"
The man took the gun. But before he reached the door, he broke down and said he couldn't do it.
They then took the second man and told him the same thing.
He went into the room, and came out five minutes later, said nothing, put the fun down and walked out.
Then they took the woman. And told her to kill her husband.
She grabbed the gun, walked into the.room. And before the door was shut, they heard the clip being emptied. Soon after they heard a few loud crashes.
The woman walks out of the room, looking messed up, and yells " YOU DIDNT TELL ME THAT YOU LOADED THE GUN WITH BLANKS!!! I had to beat him to death with a chair!!!!"
Cheers
Subject: VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
A bloke walked past an ice creamery that had a sign out the front saying `` We can make any flavoured ice cream you want``, He couldn`t resist, but to walk in and ask if they can make a vagina flavoured ice cream. The reply was a yes we can. After 10 minutes of waiting, the ice cream was made and the bloke couldn`t wait to try it. He took a lick and spat the ice cream out and complained that it tasted like cr@p. The sales assistant told him that he took to big of a lick.
The Porch
A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right.... I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".
Sometimes we find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt, sole owners of the fertilizer company, Needeep N. Schitt Pty Ltd.
Jack married his childhood sweetheart, Noe.
They had 6 children, 4 Sons, Deep Schitt, Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt and Bull Schitt. Their 2 daughters were, Giva Schitt and Hollie Schitt
Against her parents' objections, Hollie Schitt married her second cousin, Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout, and had 2 children, son Loda, and a daughter with a nervous disposition, they named Chicken.
Jack and Noe Schitt divorced after about 15 years. Noe later married Ted Sherlock, and she then became known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Two of the sons, Deep and Fulla, were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens sisters in a dual ceremony.
Details in the newspapers at the time, announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
Deep Schitt had 2 sons, Dawg and Horse Schitt and Fulla had a daughter, Byrd Schitt.
Dip and Giva Schitt never married.
Bull Schitt, left home to tour the world and recently returned from overseas with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
mudnutette nearly Schitt herself laughing when I read that out, Ova50. XD
A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.'
journalist interviewing Paul McCartney and John Lennon before a concert back in the 60's....
Journalist: "Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?
John Lennon: " Ringo Starr's not even the best drummer in the Beatles."....
One of the kids asked me "Daddy, how does flint make sparks?" So I dutifully searched the internet and found some fantastic explanations about how when struck with a bit of sharp flint, the iron shatters a little. The resultant tiny pieces of iron immediately react with oxygen and ignite, creating sparks. Fantastic stuff. The next question was, "Daddy, how does tinder work?" believe me folks, you really don't want to type in 'How tinder works?' on Google chrome....
You get a site to get a women in the kitchen...Quote:
Originally Posted by mudnut
You had to look. Didn't you!!
You're using it wrong mate!Quote:
Originally Posted by Westy's Accessories
Little Susie goes out to her father who is in the shed and asks`` Dad, what is sex?``. He thought here we go and how do I get out of this. ``Well Susie, When mum and dad love each other so much, they make love.`` He goes in to great detail on how they reproduce with their sexual organs etc etc and little Susies` eyes get bigger and bigger as the story unfolds. After the story ends, the father says ``Why do you ask Susie?`` Susie says ``Well mum says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.``
In Honour of Stupid People . . ...
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
Consumer goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well,...duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================
On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)
===========================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
==========================
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????....)
=======================
On a Sears hair dryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
====================================
On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
===========================
On a bar of Dial soap --
'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???.....)
============================
On some Swanson frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's justa suggestion.)
========================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
==============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???.....)
==============================
On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)
==========================
On a Japanese food processor --
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================
On a child's Superman costume --
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
========================
On a Swedish chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my Goodness..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
****Blessed are the cracked:
for it is they who let in the light*****
Its come to the attention of Authorities that some females have been using a date-drug marketed under the name of Beer.
Authorities are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a man to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with women, to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship".
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment often referred to as "marriage".
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimised men.
For the support group nearest you, look up "Golf Courses".
For a video to see how this scam works, click on the link below.
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
National service for over 60s
This bloke makes so much sense
(… GRUMPY OLD MAN)
Call Up - blokes Over 60
This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier... New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arse -backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old blokes. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old blokes only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young blokes haven't t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some arse hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old blokes always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old blokes. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any press-ups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old blokes track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Attachment 40663
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A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."
"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"...
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
I will let Bob tell this one....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GesFxg1R4K0
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local bottle shop.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, handsome ~ would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of beer 'ya got?"
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get farked"
5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember.
1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a BMW than it is on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.