LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL...........Funn7y as, Top stuff.....lolol
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LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL...........Funn7y as, Top stuff.....lolol
Love it!!!
Nice one!!!
On the floor LMAO..................Top stuff
Brilliant:bowdown:
More coming soon lol
The stage is yours..................lololQuote:
Originally Posted by CoR
Test forDementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answerall of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place,
you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.....Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Yeah I got the last one correct:icon_victory:
Thats full on Cor, I had to actually get the calculator for the maths question just to make sure...lol
Nicely done, I didn't stuff up any of them (believe it or not) must be all that suduku I guess....lol
Hmm not happy with myself........................................
Ahwell, I had to post something lol
Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a
worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been
promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was
transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'
crack up Cor, some people really are just plain stupid!
Man Funny as But Im giving 100 bonus points for all that typing. Top job CoR
Cheers
Paul
Cor that was brilliant, I spent 20 years in the computer industry and some people really are that dumb.
hahaha. Some of them are real thick!
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".
Nice... Thats a good old fashioned dad joke....Love it!!!
Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!
When driving past a cemetery, 'You know, that is the dead centre of town!'
When driving past a cemetery, 'That place is pretty popular, people are dying to get in there!'
Where are we Dad?' .... 'In the car'
When driving past a woman, 'ahh, she was good from far, but she's far from good.'
When an emergency service vehicle goes past with siren blazing, 'You'll not sell many ice creams going that fast.
A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.
The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"
hahahahahah Very good you too both gave me a giggle.....lol Cheers
Have now.....lololol........
What happened BTW?
lolololololololol........roflmaoQuote:
Originally Posted by plasnart
Why do Mexican Women have bowed legs?
So the men can eat with their hats on!
Q. What's the fastest thing in the world?
A. Milk - because it's pasturized before you know it.
Q. What goes around and around a washing machine at 100mph?
A. Norm Bleechy.
A couple I remember from when I was a kid.
LOLOLOLOL............ Oldies but goodies Rossco...lol
I haven't heard those in what seems like forever...
Still funny though........lolol
A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out
some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common."
The husband says "Well for starters, neither one of us s**ks d**k."
Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... What ees it? "
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush....."
THE OUTHOUSE POEM
The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"
haha, good one!
Irish Joke
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died – Muldoon was beside himself with grief.
He went to Father Patrick the local parish priest and asked…..
“Father me dog is dead! Can ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied….”I’m afraid not, we cannot have a service for an animal in the church, but there are some Baptists down the lane and there’s no telling what they believe….maybe they’ll do something for the poor creature”.
Muldoon says ..” I’ll go right away Father, do ya think 5000 pounds is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus, why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic”.
THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,
just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
A blond decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blond begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.
The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground, time and time again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworths supermarket trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu..
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
This is mythical and deep.
Truly beautiful...
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses."
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
lol some good ones here. Keep it up!
Here's another one:
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet .
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX
FROGS'
Only $20 each!
Comes with complete instructions.
The Girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie..
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . ..
NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ....
MORE ....
TIME!!!'
More to come soon lol.