eau de toilette
Attachment 71273
New avatars for someone
Attachment 71274
Attachment 71275
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eau de toilette
Attachment 71273
New avatars for someone
Attachment 71274
Attachment 71275
The Mexicans must really love Trump, they even have him on their toilet paper.
Attachment 72083
I don`t fart, I say that my bum burped.
I Need a Vacation
https://youtu.be/-gE-HCN3_9E
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make so I found the number and dialled it. A man’s voice answered 'Hello.' I asked if the person I wanted was home, only to be told “get the right bloody number” and was hung up on. I checked the number and found that I had indeed called the incorrect number. After calling the correct number, I decided to call the “wrong” number again. When the guy answered I said “your an arsehole” and hung up.
Every couple of weeks I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'
One day I was at the store when some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but he just called me an arsehole. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
Now, whenever I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said yes and gave me his name, Don, and his address.
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' and he said 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, ‘Don, can I tell you something?' and when he said yes I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up.
Then I called asshole #1 again. He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'
I said, 'Make me,'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Cairns North, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Cairns North, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Cairns North.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Cairns North .
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
I called a new weight lost company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,
'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens. On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost
10 lbs as promised.
I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, I'm out the door after her like a
shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually
getting in better shape. Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh
myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
So I decide to go for broke and call the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program."
"Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find a
huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes
and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine.
I lost 63 pounds that week.
Imagine how much more weight you would have lost if you were faster than him....Quote:
Originally Posted by Bush Ranger
As long as I didn`t get a black eye out of it. I`m not going to explain that answer.
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Attachment 72229
That works OK.Quote:
Originally Posted by TPC
Attachment 72230
Attachment 72235
kitty kitty kitty
A bit like when you don't put a comma (,) in the correct place in a sentence. It can have a double meaning. PML.Quote:
Originally Posted by Clunk
Punctuate this:Quote:
Originally Posted by DX grunt
What is this thing called love.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeeYou8
"What's this thing called, love?"
or
What's this thing called 'love'?
"How'd I go? How'd I go?" lol
What! is this thing called love?Quote:
Originally Posted by GeeYou8
"What's this thing?" called Love.
Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeeYou8
Quote:
Originally Posted by DX grunt
Quote:
Originally Posted by garett
If you don't know, it's that obsession we have with our Patrols [emoji8]Quote:
Originally Posted by Winnie
Oh and it's ..... What is this thing, called love?
Now look what you've gone and done Grunter!!!! Haven't you got some 'Home and Away' to catch up on?
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.
The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently,
and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and,
to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
When you are over fifty, who gives a damn ?
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
Studies have demonstrated that rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology:
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Benign - What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Nearly killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman Emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumor - One plus one more
Urine - Opposite of you're out
After looking at this pic I decided I wanted a Toyota .
Attachment 72327
You sick mofo. lolQuote:
Originally Posted by GQtdauto
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Attachment 72435
...............http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forum...2017/07/85.jpg
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http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forum...017/07/164.jpg
Now where do I buy those from .
Might need 3 or more of those give it 10 minutes signs after I`ve been and I`m tired of repainting the loo room.Quote:
Originally Posted by Clunk
When I got home my wife had 2 of her friends round. "Here he is," she said. "We were just talking about having a foursome, if you're up for it?" She smiled and winked. Two minutes later, I appeared naked with my dick in my hand. They all had tennis rackets in theirs!
A few things to think about.
Why are there signs in Braille saying Do not touch?
How do they get the Teflon to stick on saucepans if it's non stick?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping trolley then apologises for doing so, why do we say,
"It's all right?"
Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say,
"That hurt, you f**king bastard idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends.....
if they're okay............. then it's you.
Got pulled over by the police:
Police: "Turn around"
Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round"
Police: "Turn around"
Me: "Bright eye's"
That's when I got tasered.
I went out in my new T-shirt that reads, "Minge Is Awesome! But a policeman arrested me on the street.
Apparently pro fanny tees aren't allowed.
I let my wife take me for a drive in the countryside today. We were going down a quiet country lane when she said, "Shall we do something we've never done in the car before?" I said, "Go on then, bang it into fourth gear."
My wife was going to pick me up from work but she phoned and said the cars broken down and I would have to catch the train home. I said, "What's happened?" She said, "there's water in the carburettor." I replied, "how do you know that?" She said, "it's in the canal."