hahahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaQuote:
Originally Posted by Bob
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hahahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaQuote:
Originally Posted by Bob
The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens. He walked up to the front door and found it open.
He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen, he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched she kept stirring and stirring.
After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth.
She asked, "How do you do it on Earth?"
With a twinkle in his eyes he said come on back to the bedroom and I'll show you. After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette.
"Well," she said, "where is the baby?"
He said "Oh, that takes nine months."
"Well why did you stop stirring?"
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.
The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Sex Education
Work place image
A group of retirees are on a bus trip when an old lady comes up to the driver and complains about being molested. The driver wonders who would want to molest her, and so tells her to go back and sit down.
Later, another old woman approaches and complains about molestation, and the driver tells her to go back and sit.
A third old lady screams and so this time the driver goes to investigate. He finds an old man on his hands and knees, and so he asks him what he's doing.
The old man says, "I'm trying to grab my toupee. Each time I grab it, it jumps and runs away screaming."
An elderly Italian lived alone in New Jersey.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..? I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area, but without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
The next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie.
Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
A saw mill advertises for a timber worker. A skinny little bloke shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head timber worker takes one look at the puny bloke and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the little guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the foreman. "Take your axe and cut it down."
The little bloke heads for the tree and in five minutes he's knocking on the foreman's door. "I cut the tree down," says the bloke.
The foreman can't believe his eyes and says,"Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Great Australian Forest," says the little fella.
"You mean the Great Australian Desert," says the foreman.
"Sure! That's what they call it now!"
The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, kisses her passionately, rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here on Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf."
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
To All Former Civil Service And Military Personnel:
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is "BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN."
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
This what I call Sunsmart
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
ah... had a great joke but the read the first page :( haha
A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot! "To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler! "
Too Late me thinks (Look at Pic closely)
Arkansas Lottery Winner
Your Choice
MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on? LMDO -laughing my dentures out. OMMR -on my massage recliner. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up. TTYL -talk to you louder! Repost & share a laugh :)
Macca's is bringing out the Amy Whinehouse meal, Its just Coke and Ice.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a
truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver's door of the
Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body
shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are", he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looked down to his left side and let
out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!!! ... MY ROLEX!"
This is one Cool Sherrif
A distraught young blonde woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. In a fit of anger she drives to a local pawn shop and buys a gun.
She shows up at his apartment unexpectedly, slams opens the door, and sure enough he's naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead.
This angers her, she is furious and can no longer control her emotions. The blonde opens her purse and pulls out the .38 handgun she bought earlier. As she takes aim, grief overcomes here and she points the gun at her own head.
"No, honey, don’t do it!" yells the boyfriend.
"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."
Three blonde women were stranded on an island. While trying to dig their way out, one of them came accross a buried lamp. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish, in return for saving him.
The first blonde woman asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The second blonde woman asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. She is instantly turned into a black haired woman. She then builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The genie turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
American Football
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right at the fifty yard line. It was exciting too, a real nail biter. After the game, he asked her if she had a good time.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tightpants and all the big muscles, but... I just couldn't understand why they were all killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"
TENDER MOMENTS
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:
'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're effen bad luck...'
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
hahahhahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhaha haha Ah Bob!! hahahahhahahaha so true!! hahahahahaha
Now how did we all know you would be the one...................................LMFAOQuote:
Originally Posted by snicko
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Every one to their own!!
Religious husband
A HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH; HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP. HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE.
THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED "DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC"?
THE HUSBAND SAID, "NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND OUR SORROWS!"
Speeding Ferrari Husband - A Senior Citizen
A senior citizen drove his brand new FERRARI red convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the F3, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180 kph, then 190, then 200kph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this sort of nonsense!". So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the FERRARI, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a real good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard of before, I'll let you go."
The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir!" said the policeman ... with a salute.
POKER PLAYING HUSBANDS
It was poker night for a band of husbands, and Paddy, Jack, Jim and Jake gathered in the shed of Jim's garden.
The games were exciting and with the numerous salutations whilst downing their many glasses of whisky, more than four bottles, the evening progressed well, when suddenly Jake clutched at his chest, gave a loud shout and fell to the floor ... DEAD!!!
The other three tried to revive him, but to no avail.
"Now who be the one to be telling Jake's wife of this?" said Jim.
"Let's draw lots. The one who draws the shortest straw, he be the one," said Jack.
The shortest straw was drawn by Paddy.
"Well, Paddy, you be the one, do it gently, old chum, do it gently ..." they all said.
Deep in thought, Paddy trudged slowly into the night with a strong wind blowing against him, and reached Jake's house. He knocked on the door and Jake's wife opened it.
"What be it now!?" she said angrily, knowing what they had been up to that night, and with Paddy smelling highly of many a glass of whisky.
"Well, I cannot be lying to you, missus," said Paddy, meekly, "but we had been having a great time at our poker game. But Jake will not now be able to face you and to be telling you that he lost a lot of money tonight, missus, a lot of it ..... and it be more than a thousand pounds ..."
"What!!!??" shouted out the missus, more angrily. "Now you just go and you be telling that no good Jake that I be saying to him to go and DROP DEAD!!!"
What a coincidence for an answer like that, hohohohohoho!
This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water. "That's ridiculous! " he shouted at the pool manager. "Everybody does it,you know. "That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board. "
a vacationing penguin is driving up to the Cape when he notices that the oil-pressure light was on (must be a toyota!). He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the mechanic to get the car looked at. While hes waiting, the penguin goes into the store and sees some icecream, and being a penguin in north QLD, decides that something cold would be nice. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mees of trying to eat with his little flippers and beak. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the mechanic and asks if he has found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says 'it looks like you blew a seal' 'no, no' the penguin replies quickly, 'its just ice cream'.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir.'
The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F...k
it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up?
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk
to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part.... :
'Only when he's p!55ed.'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."
One New Zealander says to another:
"hey bro, what's a Hindu?"
The second New Zealander replies:
"lays eggs bro"