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To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to
Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM
IS.
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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's party. Jack was not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.
He took the aspirins, cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16-year-old son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, 'Son, what happened last night?'
Well, you came home after 3 A.M. drunk and out of your mind; you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replied, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!'
Broken coffee Table $239.99
Hot breakfast $4.20
Two aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS
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Be Careful Who You Flirt With
A couple was invited to a swanky family, masked Halloween party. The
wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there as no need
for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So, he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,
decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume
was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let
him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After
more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and
she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make up for this outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never danced one dance. When I got there,
I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the into the
spare room and played poker all evening."
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad,
apparently he had the time of his life."
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Are you using the right tool ?
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a b**** TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling 'Son of a b****' at the top of your lungs. Used in
conjunction with any of the other tools and processes above. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need right afterwards .
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The scary thing about that is I can relate to almost every single one!
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These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
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Great work mate! cracked me up.
Some people overseas still have no idea what Australia is like. I'm sure thousands of Amercians still think we ride Kangaroos to school/work!
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Every comment made me laugh. Thanks Rkinsey.
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Yep the Yanks are gullible.
This isnt a joke and actually happened, but bloody funny.
Many years ago (about 20) after leaving the military I was travelling around Australia as a door to door salesman. I traveled with about 25 other people working and travelling their way around Aus. The were a bunch from all over the world, Canada, Sweden, UK, US etc.
We were on our way to Alice Springs from Adelaide so we decided to stop over at Uluru and have a look around. We got up before dawn and headed to the rock and spent the best part of 2 hours getting to the top.
The view from the top of the rock is spectacular and you can see for miles in absolutely every direction. I was standing, looking off into the distance, remembering that I had just left my camera in the glove box of the car so was drinking in the sight of the Olgas over in the distance when about half a dozen of the crew I was traveling with came over. One young Canadian fella asks "Hey Rob, Whats that?" He was pointing at the Olgas.
Now, in the distance, The Olgas do look similar in shape to Uluru although a little bigger, and made up of the same red sandstone as Uluru. I picked up a small piece of the rock the size of a pebble and easily crushed it to sand between my thumb and finger and said "Thats the old Uluru. See all the paths and grooves worn into the rock? (The Olgas look like a group of boulders sitting together) Well, we've had that many tourists climb all over the thing in the past ten years they have eroded it down quite extensively so they have had to build this one you are standing on now....."
The group of Japanese tourists standing not far off started laughing as their tour guide was translating what I had just said.
The group I was with just looked at me nodding their heads looking at the Olgas.......
As I breath, this is a true story..
Cheers,
Rob
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Puns for Educated Minds
1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
2. No matter how much you push the envelope, itll still be stationery.
3. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
4. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
5. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
6. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here, Ill go on a head.
7. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
8. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
9. A backward poet writes inverse.
10. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, youd be in Seine.
11. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, Im sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
12. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you cant have your kayak and heat it too.
13. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, Ive lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, Im positive.
14. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
