Blues supporter walks into a bar with a monster cane toad on his head.
Barman says 'How did you get that?'
'Dunno, started off as a wart on my butt and just grew, aye' replied the toad.
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Blues supporter walks into a bar with a monster cane toad on his head.
Barman says 'How did you get that?'
'Dunno, started off as a wart on my butt and just grew, aye' replied the toad.
A couple made a deal that who ever would die first would come bad and inform the other of the afterlife.
They're biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact,
"Mary, Mary."
"Is that you Fred" ?
"Yes I've come back like we agreed"
"What's it like" ?
"Well I get up in the morning and I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex.
I bathe in the sun, I have sex twice, I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper golf course again, then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again".
"Oh Fred you must surely be in heaven" !
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Mildura"
New Sex Study..
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
During a recent company IT audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyMelbour ne"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some a**hole's got my pen!'
A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason
they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last
300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and
"The barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, "Who's the king of this jungle?" The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, "Wh..wh...why you are Mr. Lion."
A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, "Who's the baddest dude in this jungle?"
The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, "You're the baddest, King Lion."
This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80-year-old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, "Who's the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?"
With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion's belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush.
As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get an attitude!"
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He's alright now!
a little auzzie humourhttp://i1085.photobucket.com/albums/...h_PubDrive.jpg
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
A couple of hunters are out in the bush when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor decides to scan his brain.
With the results in hand the doctor says to the patient.
A brain consists of a left and a right side.
In your left side there is nothing right and in your right side there is nothing left.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dg3lt...yer_detailpage
Hay Bob I new I'd seen the clip to this so I hope you enjoy it ... LMFAO
If you have gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing.
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked .
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
" So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle and giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ..I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . .. its. . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!!!!
A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Then the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?
TIHS FRUOM RKCOS
Are you drunk BoB there is a thread for that carry on!!!! Cant read a word you wrote!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! I'm SOOOOOOOOO funnyQuote:
Originally Posted by Bob
Quote:
Originally Posted by growlers71gq
Oh sorry that wasn't a joke..............ROFLMFAO
What is a 710?
No, it’s not like another number you know!
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.
She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' the mechanic fainted
If you're not sure what a 710 is,
well if the OIL cap was upside down it would be bloody obvious, geez mechanics can be thick sometimes
A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
Socrates came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, “Do you know what I just heard about one of your students?” “Just a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three. “The first test is Truth. Are you sure that what you will say is true? “Oh no,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.” “So you don’t really know if it’s true, Socrates said. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?” “No, on the contrary..” “So,” Socrates interrupted, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?
” The man shrugged, rather embarrassed. Socrates continued.
“You may still pass though, because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me at all?”
“Well it ..no, not really..” “Well, concluded Socates,
“If what you want to tell me is neither True nor good nor ever Useful, why tell it to me at all?”
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out what Plato was up to.
Smart humor......Love it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED, but there is:
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!
A professor of English and the editor of the local newspaper had many friendly arguments. One Friday evening the professor was walking out of a local club with
a bottle of whiskey wrapped in that day’s newspaper.
“Oh!” said the editor, who was walking past. “Looks like there’s something interesting in that paper.”
“Aye,” replied the professor. “It’s the most interesting item that’s been in it all week.
A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ? Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want all the weans raised as Rangers fans."
Once again it was agreed.
4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You've goat tae gee me another week tae come up with the £500".
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.
Then Ted died of Heart Disease.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again, Judy remarried, and this time
She & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..."
Old Men at Breakfast Chatting...
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran,
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Th Priest is Leaving
At the regular Sunday morning service, father George announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.
Costa, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims "If father George stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Dimitri, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If father George will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause
Maria, age 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If father George stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
Father George, blushing, asks her: "Maria, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Maria’s 70-year old husband, Vasillis, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "F@#k him."
That is histerical RAFLMAOQuote:
Originally Posted by growlers71gq
Glad you enjoyed it mate!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHahAHAhQuote:
Originally Posted by Bob
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."