nice keep em comin
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nice keep em comin
TOMMY COOPER JOKES
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual....'
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'
14. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
Doing it wrong!!!!
Nicely done mate....lolololololololol
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. [This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake].
* SINBAD.
Single Income No boyfriend And Desperate
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake [e.g. you've hit 'reply all ].
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Got stopped for speeding yesterday.
I thought i could talk my way out of it,
until the officer looked at
my dog in the back seat.
To my dear husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had today with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it wasn't too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry about me.
I was coming home from shopping, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a stop when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I enclosed a picture for you just to put you mind at ease.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife,
XXXXXXXXXX
Oh, by the way, your girlfriend called.
\Quote:
Originally Posted by NickBGU4
ROTFLMAO..........................Top effort.
They were a crack up.
Seagull manager...lol...Never heard that one.