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Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories
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Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to
University, but halfway through the semester he foolishly
has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe
what modern education is developing. They actually
have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog
Ol' Blue how to talk."
"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young
jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.
"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read."
"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that
program?"
"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a
problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots
the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is pretty
excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with
him, and see him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the
living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Financial Review.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around
with that redhead barmaid at the pub?'"
The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he
talks to your mother!"
"I sure did, dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
Teacher:
If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully...
If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher:
Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fn cat!!!
Tappn the App Beers on Tap
Fifty Sheds Of Grey - extracts
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed. “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” So I took her to Bunning’s.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.” So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
Regards,
RLI
A man moved to a new house. He thought he would get to know the locals and went to the pub near his home. He went in and sat at a stool and asked for a drink. In front of him was a jar of 10 cent coins, with a sign saying correct guess wins you the jar!!!
After about 10 beers he told the barman he was on his way home and the barman said seeing he was such a good customer he could have a free guess at the jar. The man had been thinking about an amount all night and replied with 206 dollars. The barman stood amazed and said, THAT"S CORRECT !!
How did you know how much was in there? The man said just a lucky guess, grabbed his jar of coins and staggered out and walked home.
As he walked up the front stairs of his house he tripped and the jar crashed to the patio and scattered the 2006 coins all over the place. He decided he would pick it up in the morning. He crept into the bedroom and without waking his wife went to sleep. Early next morning his wife came in all excited to wake him up yelling JOHN,JOHN..... You wont guess whats all over our patio?.... John opens his eyes and says calmly, Yeah I know..... 206 dollars in 10 cent coins......
NO!! she said.....
There is 200 liters of MILK !!!!
Second job for my wife.
Ever since I got my Patrol i have been a bit short of money, with the cost of all the accessories and mods and my wife and I were starting to havd troubles paying the bills.
I am already working 10 to 12 hours a day so I asked my wife if she would mind getting a second job, she said she would think about it.
The next day she said to me she would try making some money as a prostitute on Hindley st in town, I was a bit concerned at first but decided anything that brought in extra money would be good.
The next weekend she got herself all dolled up in a tight miniskirt, sexy top and high heels and I dropped her off in town and arranged to pick her up in the morning.
The next morning I picked her up and asked how she got on, she told me she made three hundred and forty one dollars.
That was not bad I thought, helps pay the bills but had to ask her who the cheap bastard was that only gave her one dollar.
She told me all of them did.
Are you still sure that today will be a good day???
http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forum...chmentid=22236
There has been a strange habit at work of people giving names to food in the fridge. Today I ate a sandwich named Kevin!
Cheers!
God visited a man and told him that he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven.....
The man said he would try his best.
God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pull her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side
and gave her one right there ".
"They don't like that in heaven", said God...
The man replied "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!
Regards,
RLI