Gues who is it?
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Gues who is it?
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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
I know I'm a good driver,
The cops sent me a letter the other day,
It said driving fine
Yappa tappa doo
guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
I never fully understood how to tell the difference between male and female birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically.
Until now...................
Below are two birds. Study them closely. See if you can determine which of the two is the female.
It CAN be done! Even by one with limited bird watching skills!
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http://i1124.photobucket.com/albums/...eous/birds.gif
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from a motor of a Harley when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic, thinking he might get in a cheap shot at the medic’s expense, called out to the doctor from across the garage.
“Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motor cycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hand on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.”
“So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic……
“Try doing it with the engine running…”
Where do you park the Patrol
ok so this one is kinda long, but im sure you can ALL appreciate this:
at a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "if GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000ks to the ltr."
in response to Bills comments, GM issued a press release stating:
"If GM had developed technology like microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason, your car would crash......... twice a day.
2. Everytime they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over close all the windows, shut the car off, restart it and reopen oall the windos before you could continue. for some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally xecuting a manouver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refure to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. the oil water temp and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "this car has performed an illegal operation" warning light.
7. the airbag system would ask "are you sure" before deploying.
8. occasionally, for no reason what so ever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. everytime a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car
10. you'd have to press the start button to turn the engine off
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
RUDE CHEMIST
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*Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the chemist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast
and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and
the phone was still ringing...
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."