Random joke and interesting pics

[gaddy]

...............41616

[93patrol]

41620My car won't seem to start and I ve put a new battery in. Any ideas?

[Bush Ranger]

Reminds of a young bloke years ago, who was working on a farm. A ute wouldn`t start every second time when he wanted to use it. He kept on cleaning the positive terminal and the problem would still occur. I told him to clean the negative terminal, as there`s only a certain amount of times you can polish the positive. Gave me lip about what would you know. Half a day goes by and I had enough. I cleaned the negative terminal and there was never a problem with the ute after that. Not a thank you or a kiss on the arse for the effort.
Another time I thought that was funny, was when a friend did up a metal fuel line to a carby with a ring spanner and wondered why he couldn`t get it off. To busy showing off that he was using his fathers tools.

[MEGOMONSTER]

Not sure why I'm putting this here, but heard a story today about 11 people dying in a SINGLE car, car accident.

[MEGOMONSTER]

A note left by the Missus.
41767

[93patrol]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around
the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,





"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[firm351]

.............

41811

[Wine_maker]

One guy saw this in the typography's toilet

42040

Hope that this is not chalked or brightness paper LOL

[ova50]

And the drawing is ?

[Alitis007]

Seen this the otherday 42050 not many around anymore aye!?

[MEGOMONSTER]

Seen this the otherday 42050 not many around anymore aye!?

Don't they look great.

[Alitis007]

Overgrown herby lol

[gaddy]

................42051

[gaddy]

..........42164

[MEGOMONSTER]

..........42164

Surely that's illegal, he is covering the indicators.

[BigRAWesty]

And the drawing is ?

Wife reckons she saw the book first.
Women are from Venus hay..

[ova50]

My wife didn't pick the book.
:cheers:

[ova50]

Suspect Shop.

[Wine_maker]

And more!

42214

[MEGOMONSTER]

Made a change to my appearance.
Whadya think.
42246

Or maybe like this.
4224742248

[BigRAWesty]

Made a change to my appearance.
Whadya think.
42246

Or maybe like this.
4224742248

Ow the toupè for sure..

[Bush Ranger]

Made a change to my appearance.
Whadya think.
42246

Or maybe like this.
4224742248

You could get a few rabbits tattooed to your head. That way, it would look like hair.

[MEGOMONSTER]

My missus just sent me this from FaceAche.
42338

[gaddy]

... ........42350

[ova50]

Then and Now.

[gaddy]

.................42730

[MEGOMONSTER]

England's police chase.

[megatexture]

My missus just sent me this from FaceAche.
42338

That was in a top gear clip a while back, bloody ugly!

[TPC]

This photo was on 4X4 Earth.

[SonOf]

funny motor insurance claims

"I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way.." (Thanks M Robson)

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.." (Thanks N Bradley)

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form - Thanks N Shepherd)

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.) (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)

The English comedian Jasper Carrott has used funny insurance claims in his stand-up act for a long time, including some featured above. Here are three others, kindly suggested by Andrew Moignard.

"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings."

"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."

"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."

"A house hit my car." (A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend's car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.) (Thanks Ben Keirnan)

Please send your own funny insurance claims and stories.


funny insurance claims outside of the motor industry

(from F Paulos) - A client of mine claimed he broke his arm cycling to work when taking a shortcut through a farm: "I came around a corner and was run off the road by a herd of guinea pigs..." (The farmer verified the claimant's story. Apparently the farmer's daughters' pets had escaped and multiplied into plague proportions.)

(From A Reineri) - Extract from office worker's compensation claim form:
Agent of the injury: Drawer
How did accident occur: Drawer fell out and landed on my foot
Where was claimant injured: Foot

(From M Radbill) - Years ago, my husband was driving the kids to preschool in our rural neighborhood. Out of nowhere a ten point buck [a very big deer] leapt out of the side bushes and smashed into the car. Luckily the only injuries were to the car. When the insurance company was called to file the claim, they wanted to know if the buck's feet were ON the ground or OFF the ground when it hit the car. "Why?" I asked. They said this would determine whether the claim was covered or not. I asked which one was covered. You can guess the rest, but I still wonder who is looking at feet when you are being charged by a huge animal! (Incidentally, feet ON the ground was covered. Their logic was seemingly that the car was hit by something, rather than vice-versa, if that makes sense. And for those who don't know, a 'ten point buck' refers to a big male deer with ten points, or tines, on its antlers.)

(From A Whittingham) - I was reminded of one I read when working for a plumbing firm many years ago. A lady had claimed for a leaking toilet and had sent in the form like this: "The leaking toilet is reached through my back passage, but please tell the plumbers when they arrive that they must knock on the front door as my back passage is blocked with the things out of the toilet.."

(From P Clough) - I once made a claim due to a broken washing machine. I put a load of washing on before going away for the weekend. On my return I found it to be stuck in a boiling cycle and my whole kitchen was nigh on destroyed by the steam. When I made a claim through my broker to the insurance company it was denied as I was not insured for steam damage! My broker quickly pointed out that water is H2O and the same chemical compound at steam! They were not having it. The judge, in the small claims court, did not even allow the insurance company's counsel to speak. He took two minutes to read out the case, laughed and said "Water is H2O as is steam - case for the plaintif." The claim was swiftly settled by an embarrassed insurance company.

(From Angela K) - When I worked in personnel at an airline I handled claims for processing. I received the following explanation from the catering department: "Burned elbow while putting tongue into pot". Apparently the fellow was in the process of cooking tongue, which is then sliced for sandwiches. This was approximately 1960 when airlines had cooking facilities in the hangars.

[munzy42]

Criky that's a spooky looking bug

[Wine_maker]

Fail?

43055

[93patrol]

A few of these signs in the outback I reckon

[gaddy]

...............43084

[MEGOMONSTER]

...............<img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=43084"/>

I'd hate to have really bad hick-ups.

[TPC]

...............43084
I have been there more times than I wish to admit.

[Wine_maker]

2014 Nissan X-Patrol SUV

Nissan has been planning to release their own SUV version that is claimed to be useful and functional, unlike other fancy and exclusive SUVs that don’t have the right quality – or so they claim. That’s why the company has been planning to launch their Nissan X-Patrol SUV that is tough, manly, and also boxy. From the design and the outer appearance, it seems that the ride is serious and won’t deal with nonsense matters.

If you are looking at the 2014 Nissan X-Patrol SUV pictures, you will see that the company means business. The rugged and tough body style will remain timeless and aggressive throughout the time. not to mention that this SUV will be able to handle difficult terrains in such an ease.

It is predicted that the 2014 Nissan X-Patrol SUV will attract true hardcore SUV enthusiasts that pay detailed attention to the rugged and tough form, as well as the offroad abilities. The company admits that the design may seem a bit extreme when compared to other SUVs, but that’s the concept they are looking for. However, lots of people think that this concept is too futuristic to be made into production, but it will be nice if the SUV can be made into reality.

43168

http://www.topgearrules.org/2014-nissan-x-patrol-suv.html

[Wine_maker]

Lunch time + Photoshop =

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=43171&d=1397195599

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=43169&d=1397195599

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=43170&d=1397195599

[Wine_maker]

I should add a UTE as moonshine and SURF as FANTA :icon_bonk:

[BigRAWesty]

2014 Nissan X-Patrol SUV

Nissan has been planning to release their own SUV version that is claimed to be useful and functional, unlike other fancy and exclusive SUVs that don't have the right quality - or so they claim. That's why the company has been planning to launch their Nissan X-Patrol SUV that is tough, manly, and also boxy. From the design and the outer appearance, it seems that the ride is serious and won't deal with nonsense matters.

If you are looking at the 2014 Nissan X-Patrol SUV pictures, you will see that the company means business. The rugged and tough body style will remain timeless and aggressive throughout the time. not to mention that this SUV will be able to handle difficult terrains in such an ease.

It is predicted that the 2014 Nissan X-Patrol SUV will attract true hardcore SUV enthusiasts that pay detailed attention to the rugged and tough form, as well as the offroad abilities. The company admits that the design may seem a bit extreme when compared to other SUVs, but that's the concept they are looking for. However, lots of people think that this concept is too futuristic to be made into production, but it will be nice if the SUV can be made into reality.

<img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=43168"/>

http://www.topgearrules.org/2014-nissan-x-patrol-suv.html

Is this full quid??
I do like it.. I looks a mid way from x-trail to patrol..

[Bush Ranger]

Have you a label for Lada Niva, Winemaker?

[Wine_maker]

Sure. I think it will be something like rednecks tractor. It always broken, uncomfortable but can be fixed everywhere and can drive any time everywhere.
I own one. Not long time :-)

[gaddy]

............43293

[Wine_maker]

Saw this LC with great aerography of stars and constellations with info.

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=43424&d=1397708356

[mudnut]

That would be confusing with added bush pinstriping :)

[TPC]

That would be confusing with added bush pinstriping :)

Yea would be a few new constellations for the Astrologists.

Edit...see what I did, I used big words after a few drinks...spell check is great.

[Wine_maker]

Sound dock

43583

[BigRAWesty]

Sound dock

<img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=43583"/>

Funny you post that, I saw some show or skit where they use cheap / free bits like toilet rolls as sound boosters..

[Wine_maker]

Yoda's english is just like mine LOL

43881

[SonOf]

43883

Yup

[gaddy]

43884................

[MEGOMONSTER]

<img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=43884"/>................

I love it...........

[firm351]

..........
44001

[BigRAWesty]

<img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=43884"/>................

Yea there smashing the fb pages. Sick of em..

[Wine_maker]

Ordinary morning in Russia

44006

44007

44014

44008

Nikon is the best!

44009

44010

44011

44012

44013

I'm jpeg spammer! lol

[Wine_maker]

This ride can be the last ride.
44349

[Wine_maker]

Poor kitty lol
44413

[ova50]

.................................................. .....................

[Bush Ranger]

^^^ A crack addict.

[MEGOMONSTER]

I've got one or two add ons.

[gaddy]

:):beer:..............44827

[Wine_maker]

I know that idea is quite old but looks good

45213

[MEGOMONSTER]

I know that idea is quit old but looks good <img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=45213"/>
Cool and clever. I like it.
Thinking outside the square.

[jack]

Sex change coming up

45322

[Wine_maker]

And after

45323

[firm351]

This cracks me up every time i watch it.


http://youtu.be/jOE_J9DZq4o

[Wine_maker]

What do you know about flexibility?

45330

[ova50]

Not sure if this is an oldie.

[Wine_maker]

More info about this limo?
What about rear axle is it driving?

[ova50]

More info about this limo?
What about rear axle is it driving?
Had the pic sent to me.
This pic sent to me with some info. It was supposedly done by a company in Victoria. http://www.multidrive.com.au/index.html

[MEGOMONSTER]

A view from the Eureka Skydeck this afternoon.

[firm351]

........,,
45386

[Chimo]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams,

“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”


The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

“Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.”

[MEGOMONSTER]

Camping boating and 4wd'ing.

[AB]

Camping boating and 4wd'ing.

Wonder how fuel economy is for that bloke!!!

[MEGOMONSTER]

Wonder how fuel economy is for that bloke!!!
I don't think he cares.

[MEGOMONSTER]

You know it's gonna be a hard golf course when the golf Pro comes out with your cart and look like this.

[jack]

Looking for a Patrol?

45759

[MEGOMONSTER]

Looking for a Patrol? <img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=45759"/>

Wonder if they are 4.2 or donks

[Wine_maker]

45808

Translate: F@ck that's all.

45809

45810

[Wine_maker]

Little monstro

45909

45910

45911

[BillsGU]

I am stunned! :( I only have one word for it - - WHY ?

[Clunk]

I am stunned! :( I only have one word for it - - WHY ?

Might not be allowed to run those monster tyres on the road, probably making 2 trips lol

[Wine_maker]

In comments under this photo was written that this is because soft mud tyres is wearing down on asphalt. So to the place of battle they drive that way with 2 bogger on the roof and 2 inside the car.

[Clunk]

................
45950

[MEGOMONSTER]

When you wanna know what time it is.

[Wine_maker]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=46390&d=1404129183

Translation:

Hey belt!
What?!
Get a f@ck off! (or another very rude phrase)

PS. It hard to translate bad RU to bad ENG lol

[choppie]

Little monstro

45909

45910

45911
Body roll??????????????????? What body roll?????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????/

[choppie]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=46390&d=1404129183

Translation:

Hey belt!
What?!
Get a f@ck off! (or another very rude phrase)

PS. It hard to translate bad RU to bad ENG lol

Probably more like,

Hey belt you f****ed off and screwed the rest of us ya piece of sh|t

[madgq]

Yer thats more like it ^^^

[Wine_maker]

New arm wrestling challenge
46452

[megatexture]

That's a bit odd lmao

[Wine_maker]

How many cars do you see on this photo?

46644

[Wine_maker]

One of them hiding quite good lol

46645

[Wine_maker]

Decepticon?

47630

[MEGOMONSTER]

Decepticon? <img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=47630"/>
That's his little brother Recepticon

[NP99]

.............

[Cuppa]

They do like their prohibiting signs in WA.
This one taken in Fremantle. Unusually it incorporates a degree of humour. ;)

47644

[Wine_maker]

Interesting product packs

47819

47820

This should be for beer only

47821

beer again

47822

[briscott]

New arm wrestling challenge
46452
Now THAT is teamwork. I got you bro, I got you.

[Wine_maker]

Optimistic


a little bit ...

48026

[Wine_maker]

Someone has a lot of free time, spare parts and imagination.

48302

[mudnut]

My young bloke reckons it is a Combat van.

[Wine_maker]

85 level of automation

48314

48315

[gaddy]

....................

[gaddy]

Rollover between Bundy and Carins
48372

[MEGOMONSTER]

rollover between bundy and carins <img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=48372"/>
idiot. Lol

[NP99]

.......oh yeah, I.E. :)

[skippy201284]

great pic where was that taken

[skippy201284]

loved evry single post in this one a bunch of laughs all morniing

[gaddy]

.................48561

[Wine_maker]

New world record 450 tonnes load. Loaded weight - 810 tonnes.

48563

48564

[MEGOMONSTER]

New world record 450 tonnes load. Loaded weight - 810 tonnes. <img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=48563"/> <img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=48564"/>
Where's the spare tyre kept. Lol

[cos]

Good question ...

[Wine_maker]

If tyre will bang, it will blow off a small city.

I think there is a mid size sedan can be parked in the glovebox of this truck.

[megatexture]

its impressive for a 3 ltr

[MEGOMONSTER]

I think there is a mid size sedan can be parked in the glovebox of this truck.
I think you can park inside the tyres.

[P4trol]

I can imagine some grey nomad somewhere seeing this and using it to build a motorhome where they don't have to leave any of their worldly possessions behind on a trip.

[Wine_maker]

If coat it with metal sheets and set a few ship's cannons it will be great land battleship.

[Wine_maker]

Why it is not works this way?

Hello!
Do you have a few minutes to talk about our God - Dionis?

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=49592&d=1411626289

[NP99]

An eldery man was stopped by the police around 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as
well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked." Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[NP99]

Mum and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mum said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

[NP99]

http://www.boredbutton.com/random

[TPC]

News just in that Apple are going to change their brand name to Banana so it is more in line with their current products.

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=49611&stc=1http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=49612&stc=1
Banana iPhone 6

[Bush Ranger]

Went to the doctors yesterday with fluid on the knee. Doctor told me I wasn`t aiming straight.

[NP99]

I bought a teddy bear for ten quid, just sold it on ebay for twenty. Now I've got the Sudanese Muslims after me for making a prophet out of a teddy.

It's really difficult to find what you want on ebay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

[NP99]

..............

[NP99]

Some people :)

[NP99]

...........

[NP99]

..................

[NP99]

Wilmaaaaaaaaaa

[growler2058]

THE BRIDGE TO HAWAII



A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[NP99]

Yep........

[Bob]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

[NP99]

.................

[TPC]

.................
That is disturbing!

[NP99]

No joke.........

[Bob]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, "Mypenis,"
and the wife falls on the ground laughing
because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

[MEGOMONSTER]

Cool looking hill climb.

[gaddy]

Saw this on the barge at fraser the other day , thou should remove wheel cover before getting towed

4994349944

[TPC]

Saw this on the barge at fraser the other day , thou should remove wheel cover before getting towed

4994349944
Wonder if it was an Eli Creek casualty, saw a few of those last year when I was there.

[gaddy]

I beleive it was the lagoon at waddy , which is just plain stupidity !

[TPC]

I beleive it was the lagoon at waddy , which is just plain stupidity !
That would be salt water too, would not want that car now.

[NP99]

...................

[NP99]

.................

[mudnut]

...................


These attachments are a bit too small to read, when opened.

[NP99]

Happens a lot at our place.....

[TimE]

Have we seen this before? One for the bros :)

50083

[NP99]

Pass me a tissue.....

[Wine_maker]

Some pics

50178

50179

The belt is like a condom. If it tear do not wait any good news.
50180

50181

50182

[NP99]

..............

[fitzyfootlong]

"I have a thouuuuuuusand jokes!, can I swear?"

"no"

" I have one joke"... :(

[threedogs]

part one stay with me on this

[threedogs]

part two you still following

[threedogs]

Ain't that the truth.

[NP99]

..............

[NP99]

Ain't that the truth.

Should this be in the happy thread?

[my third 256]

can yor partner do a hand stand
50253

[NP99]

.............

[Wine_maker]

Should I warn him or just wait for a show?
50335

Cordage master 80 lvl
50336

[NP99]

Should I warn him or just wait for a show?
50335

Cordage master 80 lvl
50336

Wish I was there for that one :)

[MEGOMONSTER]

Stupid aussie laws.

Touching electrified wires that cause instant death is a $200 fine

Newcastle, Australia

[MEGOMONSTER]

- In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.

[MEGOMONSTER]

In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

[MEGOMONSTER]

- In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.

[MEGOMONSTER]

- In Eureka, Nevada, USA, it is still illegal for men with moustaches to kiss women.

[TPC]

In Victoria it is illegal to wear sexy pink pants after midday on a Sunday.

[MEGOMONSTER]

- In Lebanon any man may legally have sex with any animal just as long as it is a female.

[menace 2]

How did no1 applaud you for this one.
Great read...

sorry mate for not replying ..I didn't know it was there..I very rarely go into this thread and today I spent over an hour going through it all ...some funny stuff ..lol
No..it was humour westy...(not mine)...I find it better for people to relate to if you personalize it...though I did try it on a smaller scale as a prank...that didn't go well ....I paid !

[MEGOMONSTER]

In Colorado it is illegal to collect rainwater. Apparently farmers and landowners are being punished for this.

[Wine_maker]

Little portion of dark humor.

So. We have a holy water - H2O

Then, we can dissolwe it in holy hydrogen and holy oxigen using electrolysis.
Then, with help of nuclear syntez, we can make a holy uranium 238 or 235 and then, make with it a holy atomic bomb.

If we will kill somebody with, will it be the sin or not?

The big bang theory.
http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=50401&d=1413359988

[Ben-e-boy]

50407...........

[NP99]

...............

[NP99]

A man walks into a night club one night.. He goes
up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir,
that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances
over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice
juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy
who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing
to his business."

****


Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand,
tears running down her face. Her praying roused him
from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly.

"Becky, my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent.. "Becky," he said in his tired voice,
"I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Becky.

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend
and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky,
" relax, let the poison work."

[Bob]

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

[NP99]

..........

[mudski]

In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

Talk about "knocking the top off" hey!

[firm351]

...........
50465

[NP99]

Sure.......

[Clunk]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=50770&stc=1

[MEGOMONSTER]

...............

[Wine_maker]

Flood in Irland. Panic in the country.

50848

[Golioth]

seems Antarctica is out of the question. lol

[MEGOMONSTER]

............

[Clunk]

................
50967

50968

50969

50970

[Clunk]

...............
50971

50972

50973

[Clunk]

I'm sure BA must feel he's been doing a lot of this lately

51000

[Danktm]

...............

gold !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Clunk]

gold !!!!!!!!!!!!!

More of an off white / creamy sort of colour I'd say ;):D

[Clunk]

.............
51096

[SonOf]

Asked for this for my birthday, don't think the wife thought I was serious!

https://www.danmurphys.com.au/product/DM_727458/ardbeg-1974-double-barrel-scotch-whisky-700ml

Varietal: Scotch Whisky, Price $20,000.00

Liquor Style: Single Malt

Ardbeg presents a truly innovative and luxurious Islay Scotch Whisky like none other; two bottles of the rarest whisky available in the Ardbeg distillery, the 1974 vintage Ardbeg Single Malt magnificently packaged in a bespoke double barrel leather gun case. A release of only 250 bottles worldwide consisting of different single cask bottlings of 1974 Single Malt; partnered with eight solid silver drinking cups hand-crafted by acclaimed silversmith, Hamilton & Inches; a hand-stitched leather sampling register, an fountain pen and a book that chronicles Ardbeg s history.

Along with this truly remarkable and rare Scotch Whisky, you will be flown to Scotland for a 5 day, all expenses paid tour including personal visits to Glenmorangie & Ardbeg, clay pigeon shooting, gala dinners, 5-star accommodation and much more. For further information regarding this money can't buy experience, please see the 'Dan Murphy's Review' tab below or feel free to email Hamish Fyfe at hamish.fyfe@danmurphys.com.au

[Wine_maker]

4WD for all!

51548

[Wine_maker]

Photo from Ukraina

51631

[MEGOMONSTER]

Some chick put fake eyelashes on her car

[megatexture]

ive never seen them on anything other than a vw

[4bye4]

Finally got my CB installed. They did a good job I think.
51785

[93patrol]

Do you get good reception in hilly areas?

[4bye4]

Won't go up hills - too heavy.

[4bye4]

What to do with a broken turbo.
51823

[Wine_maker]

Just a carrot

52043

[oncedisturbed]

For all you veggie lovers

52044

[4bye4]

Thats worrying.

[P4trol]

No Nativity Scene in Canberra this Year

*The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation’s Capital this Christmas* season.This isn't for any religious reason.They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra ..

The search for a Virgin continues.....

There was no problem, however, finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.

[Gecko17]

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick....especially when his name is Steve.

[Wine_maker]

Unusial truck! FWD with axle.

52489

[4bye4]

Only in Australia
52707
Only in Queensland
52705

[Wine_maker]

Once upon a time one man take 2 1JZ-GTE Supra and made this one

52731

52732

52733

DIY Crankshaft

52734

Someone wants to do this with TD42?

[Wine_maker]

It's look like mm....

52878

[MEGOMONSTER]

It's look like mm....

52878

projectile catcher

[Bush Ranger]

It's look like mm....

52878

A silencer for a tank.

[MEGOMONSTER]

A silencer for a tank.

looks reasonably light

[Wine_maker]

NY is soon

http://s00.yaplakal.com/pics/pics_preview/1/0/0/4493001.jpg

[TPC]

NY is soon

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/

He should have a young blond assistant in the passenger seat.

[Wine_maker]

May be she is hiding in the one of those bags?

[Wine_maker]

He was

53083

53086

[MEGOMONSTER]

Mad Max's new car.

[Wine_maker]

Dear Santa!
In this year I was a good boy and now, I want this thing

53123

upd. I found the producer www.hexflex.com/?post_type=product

[megatexture]

That thing would be so heavy it would fark your key barrel in no time lol its got to be like 6-8mm thick

[93patrol]

I still want one

[P4trol]

There's different materials. Titanium included. I just need to convert oz to kg.

[the evil twin]

I just need to convert oz to kg.

Jeez, thats easy at Xmas.

The conversion factor is 1:1

I reckon every oz I ate added a kg on my already fat rrse

[Wine_maker]

One driver, 5 cars

53187

53188

and more

53189

[Wine_maker]

You have drunk?
Choose who will drive you to home.

53204

[4bye4]

Stuck in the city? Can't get away to play? Need a challenge?
53417
4wd Garage.

[Wine_maker]

Dear, I fix it!

53572

[MEGOMONSTER]

Must be Straylian

[Wine_maker]

He knows everything about how to lock the diff

53683

[MEGOMONSTER]

He knows everything about how to lock the diff <img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=53683"/>

This should be in the bush mechanics section.
Ingenious. Lol

[coop]

I just bought a new mower and written on the tank it said please don't start the engine before adding fuel. :rolleyes:

[NP99]

I just bought a new mower and written on the tank it said please don't start the engine before adding fuel. :rolleyes:

Good advice..... :)

[Chimo]

http://adsoftheworld.com/media/online/toyota_aygo_crazy

[MEGOMONSTER]

$150k plus BMW X5 taken to Fraser Island, trying to beat the high tide, but failing.
Got very very very very very lucky to make it back to the barge.

53999

At first thought everything was OK, apart from being stupid enough to take it to Fraser and drive back to the barge at high tide.

54000

On closer inspection things weren't so pretty.

54001

Low profile run flat tyres, so can't air down, blew out front and rear tyres on the trees that hang out the sand cos he didn't want to get the car wet

54002

Had it slowed down or stopped when they blew out and bogged down in the sand with a rapidly rising tide, car would have been finished.

54003

Made it off the barge and off the sand safety waiting for a tow truck, as he waves goodbye to $150 grand.

[growler2058]

I laughed and laughed and laughed

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icnRMW6P9nc

[MEGOMONSTER]

I laughed and laughed and laughed https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icnRMW6P9nc

I do this everyday. Lol
But my horns are sounding like they're still full of mud.

[Wine_maker]

Lucky guy. Hi is survive without major injury.

54093

54094

54095

[MEGOMONSTER]

Lucky guy. Hi is survive without major injury. <img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=54093"/> <img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=54094"/> <img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=54095"/>
Oh my fiikin god.

[4bye4]

Shoulda bought a compressor for airing up.
54262

[4bye4]

What to do with a broken turbo.
54302

[ova50]

Had this sent to me some years back.

[ova50]

Safety First ??

[ova50]

Secure Parking

[BigRAWesty]

Must be Straylian
Have you not seen these before. There's a few about.

[MEGOMONSTER]

Have you not seen these before. There's a few about.
Nah. Never seen em.

[growler2058]

https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/s552x414/247819_10151048706217687_2126617045_n.jpg?oh=090b0 52482cdbbf3367dead9f4bd7704&oe=555419FD

[Wine_maker]

So little and so tank

54869

[MEGOMONSTER]

So little and so tank <img src="http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=54869"/>
Where's the cannon turret. Lol

[P4trol]

Then it would look like a tank. We know it's not a tank, but how would the enemy know that?

[TPC]

.............
54909

[Wine_maker]

Nothing extraordinary. Just lazy man moving from flat to flat.

54944

[growler2058]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10933820_1028267197188393_1261732049026340467_n.jp g?oh=252b19bc101e966ebb241fb32ba7e236&oe=555DB751&__gda__=1431047790_5a6d03dd67fef0fb5f9cd131188636f a