Need help with understanding relationships. In short help with my woman

[WogsRus]

Ok so i know a dull topic for some but i fail to understand something and need some help and a place to vent a little.

I have been with my wife for 15 years and married for 7, things are great and so forth, got two kids and this topic is not about straying from the nest or anything but i need some perspective on a topic cos i am sure lost.

Last week my brother told me that they were expecting, this is great news. He did not want me to tell anyone at all until they had a scan and confirmed it because they have issues falling pregnant ect. I thought nothing else of it and simply put it into my nothing box. A few days later they confirmed this info and i proceeded to tell my wife. I did also mention that i knew a few days beforehand but i was told not to tell anyone.

This was apparently an issue as my wife and we have had two massive blues since, nothing like anything before, because she stated that she is my wife and best friend and she is not anyone and i should have told her.

Now i thought there was more to it and began to pry deeper and a whole heap of issues about being on the outside of my family and so forth came to light, kind of being always excluded always last to know etc, hard for me to see as is my family.

I don't want to go to deep into it but i have two questions

1) I am a trusting person, if someone, anyone tell me something in secret or what ever, i do just that. I am a firm believer that trust takes years to earn and seconds to destroy and i tend to live by this, telling my wife would contradicted an inherent moral i have followed for all of my life.

How do i explain this to my wife as she simply states that my actions mean that i though of her as an anybody when i did no such thing, that is, i literally did not think at all.

2) How do you deal with underlying parent in law issues where someone seams to feel on the outside of that family and excluded. How do you communicate this to all parties to resolve issues without alienating people and the like.

Any thoughts will be appreciated.

[threedogs]

This was the straw that broke the camels back , your GLW has from my take on felt left out from your side of the family.And for a while. Get both families together
on a regular basic like a big roast once a month, sit, drink, enjoy and especially share. I've no family, and its been years and have no one to vent or share,
Life is way too short, talk to your wife she sounds special. Hope all works out,
Family comes first, that means your wife, not brother, M2cw

[WogsRus]

Point taken, but i find it incredibly difficult to go against my issues that I inherently trust people and trust the intent. Ie: if someone told me not to say something to anyone, they inherently had a reason to do so. DO not assume. ect.

I would have done the same thing if it was not my brother or my family....Hummmmm

[threedogs]

This will be my last comment, but dont confuse your family with your brother.
Growing up your mum,dad, brothers and sisters were your family, but now,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
You, your wife and two great kids are YOUR family,,, Hope all can be talked through sensibly
good luck

[nissannewby]

Just gonna throw it out there. I think this is something you and your wife need to discuss and sort out. Relationships are work and sometimes a compromise has to be made, she is your wife remember your vows.
I don't think you have done yourself any favors by consulting a public forum either, just think if she finds out you came here instead of talking to her about it then there's another argument.

[Yendor]

How old are your kids? are they at the age where they don't need mom as much?

Maybe she's feeling like she's not needed as much as she use to be?

You should be able to tell your partner everything without fear of breaking some code or fear that they will tell someone else.

[NP99]

We only have our word in life.....
Your wife is the sum of you now....

[Tonks]

Men are from Mars women are from Venus,

I think they still sell that book.

[WogsRus]

well i needed some male help so hence the forum, she has done the same as we can;t seam to understand each other on this. Once again, one big point, this time it was my brother but i would have been the same if i was someone form her family or the queen for that matter.
We have spoken but have not idea on how to solve this one.

kids are 4 and 8 so thats not the issue, plus i am constantly handing onto her if you know what i mean

[Yendor]

I don't think there is anything wrong with discussing it on a forum as long as you are your partner are also talking.

The days of out of sight out of mind a long gone.

Yes it might be better if you get professional help.

The fact that both you and your partner are willing to discuss it is a good sign.

Hang in there mate.

[WogsRus]

dont get me wrong it wont end in in divorce we cant be apart for more then 5 mints and have always reached consensus on anything. We have healthy discussions, heated or not, but this has certainly sturred up some deeper underlying issues.

[AB]

I did also mention that i knew a few days beforehand but i was told not to tell anyone.

And this is where you went wrong....

Been there a few times myself...if your going to keep secrets you need to tell lies for the greater good. If you get caught out however your in trouble...lol

[WogsRus]

it wasn't a secret, well ok not to me, i did not say anything as i was specifically requested to do so, I must trust people to much.

Why is it that people can;t trust people these days?

[Clunk]

Tell her to stop being sooooo bloody stupid and paranoid and deal with it!!!!!!!! ;)

Don't slap it, tap it!!!!

[Lonicus]

Assumption 1. You trust your wife implicitly in all things and share everything with her.

If this is true then you let all and sundry know that anything they tell you, even in confidence, will be shared with your wife. Therefore, they shouldn't tell you anything that they don't want your wife to know. My mother was a great one for for saying to my wife "now don't say anything to Mark but....." And my wife would always tell her that we shared everything so she wouldn't "not" tell me anything. These days mum knows better than to even try and there are no hard feelings.

All going well, you and your wife will be together for life, you should be the most important people in the world to each other. Kids are important and need you both, but they will grow and leave home leaving you two alone together again.

From my point of view, let your wife know that things will change, apologise if necessary to get things back on an even keel, and let you family know that what they tell one of you is basically told to both of you, apart from birthday surprises etc.

Put your wife first and foremost, above all others and you'll be right.

My wife and I have been together for 23 years, married for nearly 21, we have no secrets, we share everything, talk everything out and are as happy with each other now as we were 20 odd years ago, probably happier actually.

[Yendor]

it wasn't a secret, well ok not to me, i did not say anything as i was specifically requested to do so, I must trust people to much.

Why is it that people can;t trust people these days?

I think the question is why weren't you able to confide with your wife?

[Clunk]

Anyone know where Dr Phil is?

Don't slap it, tap it!!!!

[MudRunnerTD]

Yeah sorry mate I am kinda going to line up with your wife on this one.

There are some very wise comments above and you should read the a few times mate.

Your Wife Is Your Family

Your Brother should have NO Expectation that the Secret is kept from your Wife. "Anyone" is mutual friends you both know, not your Wife.

Your Wife is your Soul Mate and it sounds like you believe that too so why would you keep a secret from your Soul?

Suggesting that your promise to keep it a secret also includes your Wife suggests that she can't be trusted or does not deserve that trust or respect.

Go and love your Wife mate.

[MudRunnerTD]

I tell my wife Everything........ Well other than when I bought the Long Range Tank for the GQ, or when I bought the GU diffs ;) some thing are better just turning up ;)

Love my Missus. ;)

[Clunk]

Sorry guys but if something has been said to you in confidence, it goes no further........ that's it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My missus gets told stuff in confidence and I don't expect her to let me in on the secret and the same goes for me.......... now if that said person has said, yes its OK to tell your partner then fine. Quite frankly people should respect the rights of others

Don't slap it, tap it!!!!

[WogsRus]

Assumption 1. You trust your wife implicitly in all things and share everything with her, apart for birthday surprises?


That being said, how can someone trust anyone if they have been told in trust and confederate not to say something. I do trust my wife, but i also have many people trust me knowing that if they say anything to me i will not say anything.

If i did say something to her prior, does that not also inherently mean that if i brake the trust of the person telling me not to say anything, i could brake her trust in me?

I am dealing with an internal dillema here.

[WogsRus]

I think the question is why weren't you able to confide with your wife?

As i said above, i never ever brake trust for anyone or to anyone. People believe they can confine in my based on their knowledge that i will not say anything, this is a big responsibility and one not earnt lightly.

I confine in my wife when all the time and i have no issue confining in my wife, but not when it will brake someones trust in me.

[Yendor]

Sorry guys but if something has been said to you in confidence, it goes no further........ that's it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My missus gets told stuff in confidence and I don't expect her to let me in on the secret and the same goes for me.......... now if that said person has said, yes its OK to tell your partner then fine. Quite frankly people should respect the rights of others

Don't slap it, tap it!!!!

See know your thinking like a bloke.

Most females expect their bloke to be able to confide with them.

If not, you need to be like AB hinted at.......a good lier.

Why would you want or feel the need to keep secrets from your partner anyway?

[WogsRus]

Your Wife is your Soul Mate and it sounds like you believe that too so why would you keep a secret from your Soul?



Humm never though of it that way, perhaps because my belief in life is somewhat different. I am not religious, i have seen religion and such believes destroy thousands of lives first hand and it has certainly scewed my view on such items as a soul. But that's another topic all together. But i appreciate the comment as i would have never though of it that way.

[growler2058]

Just gonna throw it out there. I think this is something you and your wife need to discuss and sort out. Relationships are work and sometimes a compromise has to be made, she is your wife remember your vows.
I don't think you have done yourself any favors by consulting a public forum either, just think if she finds out you came here instead of talking to her about it then there's another argument.

OHHHH yeah youll be FUBAR then

I haven't read through all the replies but IMHO theyre wierd creatures and you will never work em out. Quit while youre behind.

[Yendor]

As i said above, i never ever brake trust for anyone or to anyone. People believe they can confine in my based on their knowledge that i will not say anything, this is a big responsibility and one not earnt lightly.

I confine in my wife when all the time and i have no issue confining in my wife, but not when it will brake someones trust in me.

What I have said is not about wrong or right.

It's about getting you thinking about what she is thinking/feeling.

Hopefully her friends are also trying to do the same thing regarding your thinking/feelings.

[Lonicus]

As i said above, i never ever brake trust for anyone or to anyone. People believe they can confine in my based on their knowledge that i will not say anything, this is a big responsibility and one not earnt lightly.

I confine in my wife when all the time and i have no issue confining in my wife, but not when it will brake someones trust in me.

As I said mate, let people know that you have no secrets from your wife so if they don't want her to know, then don't tell you. Nobody's trust is broken and there are no situations arising like the one you're in now.

[MudRunnerTD]

Humm never though of it that way, perhaps because my belief in life is somewhat different. I am not religious, i have seen religion and such believes destroy thousands of lives first hand and it has certainly scewed my view on such items as a soul. But that's another topic all together. But i appreciate the comment as i would have never though of it that way.


Lol, I am a Proud Atheist. My Soul is my Inner Being, my Moral and Ethical Compass. My Wife helps me Calibrate my Compass on a regular basis.

[ozzyboy]

myself, i'd tell her to get over it and move on.
if my brother told me something and asked me to keep it to myself for a couple days, that's exactly what i'd do.

I also don't agree with this whole " wife over brother " thing.
Blood is still blood, and just because you get married changes nothing.

ozz

[WogsRus]

myself, i'd tell her to get over it and move on.
if my brother told me something and asked me to keep it to myself for a couple days, that's exactly what i'd do.

I also don't agree with this whole " wife over brother " thing.
Blood is still blood, and just because you get married changes nothing.

ozz

Guys just to be clear, i would have be the same for anyone, this time it was my brother, other times its someone else.

I agree blood is blood but i did not do it for that but thanks

[Drewboyaus]

Sorry guys but if something has been said to you in confidence, it goes no further........ that's it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My missus gets told stuff in confidence and I don't expect her to let me in on the secret and the same goes for me.......... now if that said person has said, yes its OK to tell your partner then fine. Quite frankly people should respect the rights of others

Don't slap it, tap it!!!!

Right-on! I'm with Clunk on this one. If one of my besties (or brother) told me something and said "don't tell anyone" I would respect that an not tell anyone including my awesome wife. I would probably ask if it was ok to share the secret with her but ultimately would respect the wishes of whoever was telling me.........
On the issue of your wife feeling on the outer with your family you need to understand more about why she feels that way to make the situation better......but maybe she needs to also build a few bridges.....give your brothers wife, your mum, sister(?) a call once a week just for a chat and a gossip. That said, I know nothing of your family's situation so take anything I say with a grain of salt....


Tip tip tip......tap tap tap....

[kevin07]

my view my wife is half of my life and to hold a secret even secret family business is not something i would do i share everything with her. 2nd feeling on the outer when my wife is with my mum there is no gap she is like a daughter but when my sisters are around they in there own way make it known that she is not a sister in saying that they love my wife to bits but its their mum, hope you can understand what i wrote

[my third 256]

i always have the last word in our house YES DEAR
happy wife happy life then i can go and play

[andrewh]

You did right WogsRus.

It is no big deal to keep a confidence as your brother asked and your wife's response is unfair.

Your wife's response very likely comes from feeling insecure about where she fits in the family.

I tell my wife anything unless I'm asked not to and that cuts both ways. I'm cool with that too.

Sounds like the majority of the issue is around how she feels in relation to your family and that is where a good conversation would be worthwhile.

Goodonya for asking the question mate and putting it out there. Hope you get to resolve it well

[Clunk]

See know your thinking like a bloke.

Most females expect their bloke to be able to confide with them.

If not, you need to be like AB hinted at.......a good lier.

Why would you want or feel the need to keep secrets from your partner anyway?

I confide in my missus all the time and don't feel the need to keep secrets and I don't, I just don't tell her if I have been confided in..........

Don't slap it, tap it!!!!

[macca]

Man this is a tough one.
Asking yor brother if your wife can be included in the news might have been wise in hindsight, not saying you knew a few days before could lead to it coming out later and causing issues as well.
Your lady not seeing it from the other point of view is really the issue, it would have been a stressful but happy time for your brother and was probably itching to tell you. A joyous time has had the shine taken off it a little.
This has probably made her fell even less part of your family, so sounds like some work has to be done to improve relationships between all of you. Mate I wouldnt like to be in your position you right now.
Best of luck and congratulations to your brother and his partner.

[patrolmq]

from what I can fathom from being married for 15 years is that women are irrational and illogical and hence no amount of rational or logical explanation is going to make her feel any better. Having done nothing wrong apart from keeping a promise to your brother has nothing to do with it, she has taken it as an irrational attack on your trust for her. Hence the only possible solution is to buy some flowers and take her out for dinner. Good luck!

[Lonicus]

Quite frankly Wogs, there's only 2 people that know exactly what's going on inside a marriage and that's the 2 people in it. As can be seen in this thread there are as many views on how relationships are handled as there are posters.

The best thing you can do is sit down with your wife and work out, together, how to get things to a point that you are both happy with. You both need to be honest and open about how you feel about the points discussed and hopefully you'll reach a compromise that you can both live with happily.

[macca]

Quite frankly Wogs, there's only 2 people that know exactly what's going on inside a marriage and that's the 2 people in it.

Thats for sure

[Drew]

As a Relationship Counsellor I can tell you that there is not enough time or space to answer on here. By the sounds of it you walked into a (common) minefield (do I have the T Shirts or what).

Sit down and talk, don't have an agenda, if it's not positive for the relationship don't say/do it and try to truly understand each others perspective. Easier said than done sometimes.

Oh, while we're throwing around books (this is for anyone), two gooduns are "Five Love Languages" & "7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work".

[Sir Roofy]

it wasn't a secret, well ok not to me, i did not say anything as i was specifically requested to do so, i must trust people to much.

Why is it that people can;t trust people these days?

theres your own answer you didnt trust your wife (i must trust ppl to much) you must trust you wife mate she,s the mother of your children ,your best friend and confident,first thing you must do is appoligise to her for betraying her trust
this i feel is going to take a while to resolve
as i say happy wife happy life your family is you,your wife and children
talk to her mate work and more talk if getting heated walk away
and come back later when your both cooled off

[taslucas]

If I get told not to tell anyone something then I don't tell. It's not up to me to decide who else out of all the people I know is an appropriate or acceptable person to tell.
I honestly think that your wife is over reacting. Tell her that you wouldn't expect her to tell you if the situation was reversed. It wasn't a massive secret that would never be told, she was going to find out when the owner if the secret deemed it appropriate.
Did you guys tell everyone you know the minute you were expecting a child? Or did you wait a little while just to be sure?

It doesn't even seem to be something that should matter
After all life's too short anyway.