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Thread: The Joke Thread

  1. #1791
    Breadmaker Shaker Plasnart's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mudnut View Post
    Do the Poles have magnetic personalities, or do the repel one another?

    Is the Vatican just another god complex?

    Quote of the day: $5000 to get the noise fixed in my car's front end. Personally, I think that is a steering racket.
    IMG_0024.jpeg

    ……….

    What is the charge? Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal??

  2. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Plasnart For This Useful Post:

    MB (20th July 2023), mudnut (20th July 2023)

  3. #1792
    Patrol God mudnut's Avatar
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    A pilot with hemorrhoids job is sore-ring high.

    Just to clear the air, I use filters.

    Pushing shit uphill is wasted effort.
    My advice is: not to follow my advice.

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    MB (24th July 2023)

  5. #1793
    Patrol God mudnut's Avatar
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    As a young father, I was never told that changing nappies was so terrible. It is a bum wrap.
    My advice is: not to follow my advice.

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    MB (24th July 2023), mudski (29th July 2023)

  7. #1794
    ......... MB's Avatar
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    Love YA Work Muddy Mate


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  8. #1795
    Breadmaker Shaker Plasnart's Avatar
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    What is the charge? Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal??

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    Touses (7th March 2024)

  10. #1796
    Breadmaker Shaker Plasnart's Avatar
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    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
    Christmas gift.

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I
    replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....

    ______________________________

    My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
    were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

    “No”, she answered.

    I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...

    ______________________________



    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
    that I should get it fixed.

    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first ... the
    shed, the boat, making beer.

    Always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever
    way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
    busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

    I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

    I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
    toothbrush.

    I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
    driveway"

    The doctors say I will walk again, once my testicles descend, but I will
    always have a limp.

    ______________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
    "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started.

    ______________________________ __

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.

    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2
    seconds."

    I bought her bathroom scales.

    And then the fight started.

    ______________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
    Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
    my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
    come back later.

    The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt"

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and
    she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
    Social Security office.

    She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got
    disability too."

    And then the fight started.

    ______________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
    happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old,
    fat and ugly.

    I really need you to pay me a compliment."

    I replied, "Your eyesight's perfect."

    And then the fight started.

    ______________________________

    I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day! The
    driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

    So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

    That's how the fight started.

    What is the charge? Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal??

  11. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Plasnart For This Useful Post:

    Cremulator (8th March 2024), Dhuck (16th March 2024), Touses (9th March 2024)

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