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A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great.... that's just great.... some arsehole's got my pen!'
An american visiting Ireland asked a local working in a boat yard " Gee, why do them there scuba divers fall off of the boat backwards into the water?" The irish man replied " well if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat"
So a rooster and a cat are walking by a pond. The rooster pushes the cat in and starts laughing. The moral of the story? any wet pu$$y makes a c**k happy!
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, the angel tells them that there's only one space left that day, So the Angel must decide which of them gets in...
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down, then wee’s into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wee's into a Toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair every time no matter how big they are!
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
A cricket walks into a bar for a drink. He says to the bartender;
"'ll have a Jack Daniels and coke thanks."
The bartender says "No worries".. as he is making it, he says "We have a drink named after you".
The grasshopper replies.. "What... Dave?"
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