Calling rotating shift workers need advice

[Snafu]

I need advice guys.
This morning my wife told me to get another job. My roster is 4 ( 12 hour shift ) on and if you classify the morning I finish night shift its 5 days off before I go back.
I have been doing shift work for nearly 15 years and honestly love it. The $$$ I'm on has allowed us to have a house in a area we like and the life style. For me as a qualifyed sparky for me to make the same $$$ I would need to at least work 6 days a week back in the heavy industry / petro chem back in Melbourne or maybe move.
She has said my shift work has to much of a distruption on the family and her to look after 2 boys 4 and nearly 7. She also went on that I do nothing around the house and I'm a crap father and we live just a co excistence. The way I see it is I would need to do more hours for most likely less money and be away for more hours and will also probably need to down size.
I'm getting to a point were maybe we should seperate as it has been hard for the past couple of years between us and I have suffering depression on and off as well.
I know it's hard as you guys don't know the full story but I would like to know from fellow shift workers hw they manage.
Cheers
SNAFU

[Clunk]

I used to work permanent nights, loved it, money was great, lifestyle was great......... that was over ten years ago....... but to me family was more important. I've now been a Monday to Friday, 8:30 to 5 guy since my eldest was born. Yep what I've lost in money and lifestyle, has been made up by being able to spend time with my kids everyday, helping them with homework etc, more than makes up for it.. but that's just me.

[the evil twin]

Reading the second half of your post I don't think changing your hours is going to help one iota dude
Less money or longer hours to make the same money will only make the relationship pressures worse
But anyway...
I and the fam used to use rotating shifts to our advantage.
Plans were always made around 'days off' so no last minute 'gotta work back' or 'need you to come in' problems
Takes a bit of self discipline at times but I found that always doing the jobs that the missus wanted done on 'days off' menat happy wife and happy life

[Snafu]

Reading the second half of your post I don't think changing your hours is going to help one iota dude
Less money or longer hours to make the same money will only make the relationship pressures worse
But anyway...
I and the fam used to use rotating shifts to our advantage.
Plans were always made around 'days off' so no last minute 'gotta work back' or 'need you to come in' problems
Takes a bit of self discipline at times but I found that always doing the jobs that the missus wanted done on 'days off' menat happy wife and happy life

To true I don't want to do more hours for less $$$ that's for sure.
I have tried to make plans for days off but for some reason or another nothing works out ( stuffed if I know ).
Just this morning got home from night shift and straight away she's into me. How she hates my roster and as I have been doing OT due a shut down coming up ( I work in the petro-chem industry). I understand that planing around my roster in regards to meals, kids when I'm working or not, keeping the house quite etc is hard.
She said it would be better of doing FIFO as when I'm at work I'm there and she doesn't have to plan etc and my days off are days off.
Thus she said for her mental well being do to me coming and going all the time she wants me to get another job. Like I mentioned she says that FIFO will work as when I'm home I'm home and hopefully no OT.
Ok I understand but honestly how about me ( she says I'm to busy worrying about myself ) but I don't get to see kids, family friends etc for how ever long. When I get home most likely there will be lots of jobs to do and not enough time when kids, family etc I think I'll be spread out to thin.
Also besides that I've done FIFO and bloody hate it and going back to sparky work been away from it to long.
Sorry guys just needed to vent and I'm honestly looking at walking.

[BigRAWesty]

Unfortunately mate a tough call..
I made the switch but it was onto a similar pay packet..
Maybe out it to her that if you back to a normal 5 day job that she'll need to get a job aswell to make up the lost income.
Or yas need to drop back on some luxury items to live on less..

It really is a tough one..
Personally I think if you can really dedicate some time to the family on those days off then it'll change. Don't let those things get in the way..
Give her a few nights off ey..
My wife now works some arvo shifts so that means I've had to pick up the roll of collecting kids and cooking tea etc..
She got a job not because she had to but because she wanted to..

[Cuppa]

Reading the second half of your post I don't think changing your hours is going to help one iota dude

Yep that's how I read it too.
Problems in the relationship - solution -> focus on the job..................... not gonna work, just more of the same.

Need to focus on the relationship & family.

Sure we don’t know the whole story so I may be speaking out of place, but you asked & I do know that it’s pretty common for a high proportion of blokes to have trouble with relationships & intimacy & convince themselves that bringing in the money makes them a good husband & father & then have trouble understanding why their wife & kids don’t see it the same way. (I spent much of my professional working years working with families - 'absent father syndrome' was common, & almost without exception the fathers believed they were doing their job as the provider, & struggled to understand why this was not enough. Particularly common with truck drivers & shift workers).

There is a lot more involved than just being a good provider in a successful relationship. Sorry if this sounds blunt & harsh, I'm just trying to help. If you don't get your head around it you will lose most of what is important to you. Change is possible if you want it. You are obviously not happy, & your wife sure isn't. You probably don't want to hear this but it's time to get some professional help before it's too late. Don't just give up & put it in the 'too hard' basket. You are not the first to be where you're at & certainly won't be the last. Those who are able to recognise what is truly important to them get through this & create a better more meaningful life for themselves & their family. Not suggesting you haven't worked your butt off to give your family 'everything', but it seems that maybe you've become comfortable & lost sight of the shared path. The job *may* be disruptive to family functioning, but it's not THE problem. It's how things work when not at your job which is important.

Ps. Having the guts to ask for advice says several things about you. You have guts obviously, you want to do something about the problem, but right now you (& your wife) are struggling to know what that something is. Instead of being upset & angry that things have gone awry, try making a list of all the positives you can think of about your wife & your kids & then ask yourself if you can ‘afford’ to no longer have them in your life. If I’m right this will help to find the motivation to work toward what your heart really wants. Mate - I speak both as an ex family therapist & from personal experience.

[jay see]

My roster is a permanent 12 hour night shift, 7 nights per fortnight. This September will be 18 years and October will be 17 years of marriage. My kids are turning 15 & 12 and both have been involved in sport since the age of 7. Over the years my wife has been lucky enough to have been able to change her hours to suit my work, she has only gone back to full time hours this year.
My days off are catching up on house work sometimes. I don't mind doing it as it means that the weekend I'm off we can spend time out.
We both understand that things have to be done, so whoever gets to it first does it, even if it the kids. They are old enough and can see that some day we are flat out.
I think your issue isn't your work, but it's definitely not helping.

[Stropp]

yes i have to agree with some of the above posts, its not the work that is the core issue, i went thru similar, worked away to earn the dollars and then when the whinging started i stayed in town then it was we dont have enough money! sorry mate but work on the marriage first before changing jobs as if you cant fix that you will kick yourself when you are in a job you dont like and by yourself, just my opinion.

[jay see]

Today is a good example.
Both kids had training last night.
One from 6-8, which I dropped off on the way to work and the other 7.15-8.45. By the time they get home, shower and get ready for bed. My wife does they lunches (they normally do they own) it's pushing 10. My eldest is up a 6.20 to catch the bus, wife leaves about 7.40, I'm home about 7.30, get the youngest up and ready for school and go and drop him off. I got up about 1pm and now am about to empty the dishwasher, and wash up last nights dishes. Got to leave about 4.30 today for another training session that's 1/2 an hour away.
It pisses me off when people find out that you do nights and the first thing they say is "oh you just sleep all day".
Fark off and live my live for a week.

[Snafu]

Today is a good example.
Both kids had training last night.
One from 6-8, which I dropped off on the way to work and the other 7.15-8.45. By the time they get home, shower and get ready for bed. My wife does they lunches (they normally do they own) it's pushing 10. My eldest is up a 6.20 to catch the bus, wife leaves about 7.40, I'm home about 7.30, get the youngest up and ready for school and go and drop him off. I got up about 1pm and now am about to empty the dishwasher, and wash up last nights dishes. Got to leave about 4.30 today for another training session that's 1/2 an hour away.
It pisses me off when people find out that you do nights and the first thing they say is "oh you just sleep all day".
Fark off and live my live for a week.

Spot on pretty much the same what I do after NS take the boy's to school then do some cleaning and coffee with her, pick the boy's up after school play with them and have around only 3-4 hours sleep. Then I get her getting p...ed off at me and telling me to goto bed when I'm trying to help so " what the hell ".
I had it out today with her. You like the house and life style we have eg lease car ( through my work ), doing a uni degree, holidays to hamilton island, new toys for you etc etc all because of what I do and the $$ I'm on. So what do you want me to do.
I got that p...ed off so at the moment I'm sleeping on the couch.