The Joke Thread

[nowoolies]

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing an Alannah Hill outfit. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Clare arrives shortly afterward, in Sass & Bide. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine.
Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old T-shirt, jeans and boots. She, too, shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving Lauriston and graduating from Melbourne Uni Arts, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has two beautiful daughters. Timothy is a partner at Mallesons.
They live in a large house in Toorak, where Charlotte and Emma, their daughters also have their tennis lessons.
They have a holiday house in Portsea and regularly ski in Canada ..

Clare relates that she graduated from Monash Medicine and became an orthopaedic surgeon.
Her husband, Edward, is a high profile Macquarie investment banker.
They live in a Brighton beachfront mansion and have a holiday flat in Little Cove, Noosa.

Samantha explains she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben.
They run a tropical bird park in the Byron Bay hinterland and grow their own vegetables.
Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

Half way down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel, filled with guilt, blurts out her husband is actually a bank teller at Commonwealth Bank.
They live in a small house in Mitcham and have a caravan for their holidays at Tootgarook.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Edward are both nurses' aides in a retirement home.
They live in Rosanna and take holiday camping trips to Torquay.

Samantha feels she too must be honest and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[nowoolies]

Friendly Advice

Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the RTA and the Department of Health indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by arseholes who just drink tea,
coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurt, and sh*t like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.
They cause three times as many accidents !!!!.

This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.

[nowoolies]

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning.
The reason for this odd behaviour is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory. It works like this:

It is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move.
After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture.
According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub..
A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes:" Why is it so quiet?? OMG!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course,
is Time Dilation!!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except Fellow time travellers) have been able or willing to understand the sound Scientific basis of this phenomenon.

Please forward this to all your known time travellers - maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.

[katwoman]

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned Sixty -Two).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,..
'Then, why do you even give a sh!t?'

[nowoolies]

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned Sixty -Two).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,..
'Then, why do you even give a sh!t?'

i thought you were going to keep your age a secret Kat hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaah...roflmfao

[the ferret]

ha, I used ta do it all night once, now it takes me all night ta do it once!!

[nowoolies]

ha, I used ta do it all night once, now it takes me all night ta do it once!!

do what ?????? where when ...bugga cant remember hahahahahah

[patch697]

ha, I used ta do it all night once, now it takes me all night ta do it once!!

hahahahahahahahahahaha................. Thats a keeper.

[patch697]

Primary school teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn’t you raise...... your............ hand?"
"Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Essendon fan, and proud of it," Mary replied, and Geelong will win the Grand Final Tommorow
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Essendon fan?"
"My mum and dad were born and raised in Essendon, so my mum is a Essendon fan and my dad is a Essendon fan, and so I'm a Essendon fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Essendon fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan.....

[katwoman]

Primary school teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn’t you raise...... your............ hand?"
"Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Essendon fan, and proud of it," Mary replied, and Geelong will win the Grand Final Tommorow
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Essendon fan?"
"My mum and dad were born and raised in Essendon, so my mum is a Essendon fan and my dad is a Essendon fan, and so I'm a Essendon fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Essendon fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan.....

LMFAO...... Bel's gonna love that one !!!