The Joke Thread

[fixer982]

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly coloured frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marvelled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

[fixer982]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and consequently had a quadruple heart bypass surgery. He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began to ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for all the treatment he has had.
The nun asked "Do you have health insurance? "
The patient replied in a raspy voice "No health insurance".
Then the nun asked "Do you have money in the bank? "
The patient replied "No money in the bank ".
Somewhat impatient the then nun asked "Do you have a relative who would be willing to help you settle the account for your treatment ? "
The patient said "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun".
The nun became agitated and announced loudly "Nuns are not spinsters ! Nuns are married to God."
The patient retorted "Then send the bill to my brother in law.'"

[fixer982]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile..
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[fixer982]

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police Force .


The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six terrorists, and a rabbit.”
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[fixer982]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demands, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

And God’s answer…….


I did’nt bl00dy recognise you… did I????

[fixer982]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the taxi-driver says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank .'


Passenger: 'Who?'

Taxi-driver: ' Frank Feldman . He's a bloke who did everything right allthe time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Taxi-driver: 'Not Frank Feldman . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could play golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing fella.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Taxi-driver: 'There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I can't change a fuse but, if I try to, the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman , he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some amazing man then.'

Taxi-driver: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman .'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Taxi-driver: 'Well, I never actually met Frank , he died.. I married his f****ing wife.

[fixer982]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, Fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her Knees, leans forward and whispers ...
" I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk."

[fixer982]

One evening, a family bring their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK but, after a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK but, after another short while, she begins to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later that day, her family arrives to see how she is adjusting to her new home.

"So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[fixer982]

The Golden Phone
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call".

[fixer982]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Footscray and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Bulldogs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Bulldogs fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Lions fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Lions fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Brisbane , and my mum is a Lions fan and my dad is a Lions fan, so I'm a Lions fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Lions fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."