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Thread: The Joke Thread

  1. #741
    Patrol Freak fixer982's Avatar
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    NEW PASSWORD

    A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password..
    Something he would use to log-on.
    Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
    So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

    P...

    E...

    N...

    I...

    S..

    His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied:

    ***PASSWORD INVALID............NOT LONG ENOUGH***
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  3. # ADS
    Circuit advertisement
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  4. #742
    Patrol Freak fixer982's Avatar
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    Testicle Therapy

    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

    The ball hit one of the men.

    He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
    agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

    She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
    Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
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  6. #743
    Patrol God Bob's Avatar
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    Work safe inspector's dream
    Attached Images Attached Images

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  8. #744
    Legendary timbar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bob View Post
    Work safe inspector's dream
    always wondered how they changed them light globes hahahahahahahahahahaha

    1989 GQ LPG / PET TB42 LWB WAGON 4'LIFT 33's
    WELCOME TO THE MUD PITT WE DRIVE NISSAN PATROLS
    WARNING: Towballs used for recoveries can, and do kill people and damage property.

  9. #745
    Patrol Freak fixer982's Avatar
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    An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
    'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
    When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
    'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?
    The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day
    'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

    'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
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  11. #746
    Patrol Freak fixer982's Avatar
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    A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal.

    Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to a suitable store and bought a pair of pale blue fur trimmed gloves. The sister bought a pair of silk panties for herself.

    During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items - the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

    Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note.
    "I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a rather delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

    All my love - your sweetheart

    P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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  13. #747
    Patrol God Bob's Avatar
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    Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”
    “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?
    “I did!” sobbed Johnny.

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  15. #748
    Patrol Freak fixer982's Avatar
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    A BBC journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,long time.

    So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview

    "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC, What's your name?"

    "Morris Fishbien," he replied.

    "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

    "For about 60 years."

    "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

    "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

    "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

    "Like I'm talking to a fu***** brick wall!"
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  17. #749
    Patrol God Bob's Avatar
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    You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
    your computer when....

    1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
    stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

    2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
    you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

    3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
    for the free internet access.

    4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

    5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

    6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
    processor.com

    7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
    computer.

    8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
    depressed.

    9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
    have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

    10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
    landscape.

    11. Your family always knows where you are.

    12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

    13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

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  19. #750
    Patrol Freak fixer982's Avatar
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    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the men’s room. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the room. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

    The bartender goes to the men’s room to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

    "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

    "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the Hell out of my balls."

    The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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