The Joke Thread

[fixer982]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
Nice bike, the cop said did Santa bring it to you?
Yep, the little girl said, he sure did!
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?
Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop..
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa the d!ck goes underneath the horse, not on top.

[Bob]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
Nice bike, the cop said did Santa bring it to you?
Yep, the little girl said, he sure did!
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?
Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop..
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa the d!ck goes underneath the horse, not on top.

love that one mate 5 Stars

[fixer982]

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.

[Bob]

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

[fixer982]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediatelyspotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some inappropriate stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit taken back at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were offended at first but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,'Hi, Keith!'

[fixer982]

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.

At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!"

The Priest responded,"Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go back and get her."

[fixer982]

Russell Crowe flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play rugby league and Is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come Over to South Sydney .. He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.

Two weeks later Rabbits are down 10 nil to Easts with only 10 minutes left.

The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in.
The kid is A sensation - scores 3 tries in 10 minutes and wins the game for South Sydney !

The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of Australian Rugby League.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 10 Nil down, but I scored 3 tries and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the Media...
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got Shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, Raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all While you were having such great time.'

The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Redfern in The first place!'

[fixer982]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7.. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'

[fixer982]

A man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.
The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;
"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel.
That will help your wife fantasise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly.... "NOW THAT'S how you wave a f ***ing towel, son!!"

[fixer982]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"