The Joke Thread

[growler2058]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?



TIHS FRUOM RKCOS

Are you drunk BoB there is a thread for that carry on!!!! Cant read a word you wrote!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! I'm SOOOOOOOOO funny

[patch697]

Are you drunk BoB there is a thread for that carry on!!!! Cant read a word you wrote!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! I'm SOOOOOOOOO funny

Oh sorry that wasn't a joke..............ROFLMFAO

[Spock]

What is a 710?
No, it’s not like another number you know!

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' the mechanic fainted

If you're not sure what a 710 is,

well if the OIL cap was upside down it would be bloody obvious, geez mechanics can be thick sometimes

[Bob]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

[Bob]

Socrates came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, “Do you know what I just heard about one of your students?” “Just a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three. “The first test is Truth. Are you sure that what you will say is true? “Oh no,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.” “So you don’t really know if it’s true, Socrates said. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?” “No, on the contrary..” “So,” Socrates interrupted, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?
” The man shrugged, rather embarrassed. Socrates continued.
“You may still pass though, because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me at all?”
“Well it ..no, not really..” “Well, concluded Socates,
“If what you want to tell me is neither True nor good nor ever Useful, why tell it to me at all?”
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out what Plato was up to.

[patch697]

Socrates came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, “Do you know what I just heard about one of your students?” “Just a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three. “The first test is Truth. Are you sure that what you will say is true? “Oh no,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.” “So you don’t really know if it’s true, Socrates said. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?” “No, on the contrary..” “So,” Socrates interrupted, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?
” The man shrugged, rather embarrassed. Socrates continued.
“You may still pass though, because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me at all?”
“Well it ..no, not really..” “Well, concluded Socates,
“If what you want to tell me is neither True nor good nor ever Useful, why tell it to me at all?”
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out what Plato was up to.

Smart humor......Love it.

[Bob]

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

[nowoolies]

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED, but there is:

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!

[Bob]

A professor of English and the editor of the local newspaper had many friendly arguments. One Friday evening the professor was walking out of a local club with
a bottle of whiskey wrapped in that day’s newspaper.
“Oh!” said the editor, who was walking past. “Looks like there’s something interesting in that paper.”
“Aye,” replied the professor. “It’s the most interesting item that’s been in it all week.

[nowoolies]

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ? Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.


The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:


1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.


2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.


3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want all the weans raised as Rangers fans."
Once again it was agreed.


4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You've goat tae gee me another week tae come up with the £500".