The Joke Thread

[patch697]

Little Johny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of
the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked
if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman.
The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johny asked,
"Why didn't you capture him when you took his picture ? "


Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

Little Johny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump,
and chest. After a few minutes, Little Johny asked, 'Dad,
why are you doing that?' His father replied,
Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that
they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Little Johny,
looking worried, & said, 'Dad, I think your best mate Bob wants to buy Mom ...'


Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

This one kinda makes ya shiver in fear..............

Dark and Stormy Night..

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:



Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"


(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that one coming)

Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

This bloke has been married now for 15 years & in all this time has never managed to buy a gift for his wife she liked. She always had something to say about how she didn't like it & why. Well Christmas was coming up fast & his wife has been nagging him for the longest time for a new car, so he decides to buy her one, thinking she wont be able to complain about that.
Christmas day arrived & sitting in the driveway was a brand new BMW 3 sires. He walks his wife outside blindfolded hardly able to contain himself, he removes the blindfold & first thing that came out of her mouth was I don't like that one..... Why whats wrong with it he asks? Its not going to be fast enough. I wanted something that go's from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds. With this the bloke is enraged but keeps it together turns walks into the bathroom comes back with a set of scales, 0 to 100 in 3 seconds you say? stand on these & you will crack 100 in 1.5


Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

Steve Irwin walked into a pub with a crocodile under his arm. He put the crocodile up on the bar and said, "I'm gunna put my willy in this croc's mouth. Anyone wanna bet me a beer that it won't bite it off?"
A bloke in the room said, "Yeah I'll bet ya."
So Steve Irwin drops his dacks then hits the croc on the nose. It opens up its mouth. He puts his willy in the crocs mouth then bangs it on the nose again. It slowly closed its mouth. He then bangs it on the nose again and the croc opens its mouth, and he hasn't been hurt at all.
"Wow, that's amazing!" said the bloke. "I definately owe you are beer for that!"
Steve turns to the crowd in the bar and says, "Anyone else wanna try this?"
An old lady up the back yells out, "Yeah I'll have a go. But don't hit me on the nose so hard!"

Lol.........Thats a cracker that one.

Cheers......lol
Paul

[patch697]

I bought myself a new Ferrari last week. Boy she goes like the clappers. Anyway a couple of days ago I was driving down the Geelong Freeway when I passed a cop with a radar gun. I was speeding a bit and knew he would come after me. Sure enough he did, blue and red lights appearing in my mirror.
"Well I've got a new Ferrari, he won't catch me in that old Commodore." I said to myself.
So I tramp it and get up to 150km/h.
I look in the mirror and the cop is right behind me, so I tramp it again and get up to 200km/h.
Again I look in the mirror and the cop is still right up my arse. So I give it everything and get up to 250km/h.
I checked the mirror and the cop is right behind me and he looks extremely pissed off.
"Ah shit!" I say and then pull over.
The cop walks up to my window and says "Look, it's 10 minutes until the end of my shift and the paperwork for this kind of speeding will take a long time. If you can give me an excuse that I've never heard before I'll just give you a warning."
I thought for a second then said "Well sir, last week my wife left me for a policeman."
"So what's that got to do with you speeding like a lunatic?"
"I thought you were trying to give her back!"

The cop let me go.

That one to.............lol..........

[Minx]

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Chuck Norris CAN in fact "raise the roof". And he can do it with one hand.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood for toilet paper.

[patch697]

Ok dare I ask?????? where you dug that up from.....Hmmmmm.....lol

Cheers
Paul

[Minx]

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

You can even get T-Shirts made up with your favourite slogan...lol

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower. - Classic!

[patch697]

Your a worry Shane.....lol

Cheers
Paul