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Thread: The Joke Thread

  1. #11
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    Little Johnny is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black
    birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

    Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?
    "Little Johnny says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.
    " The teacher replies, "Hmm, there are four left Johnny, but I do like the way you think!"

    Little Johnny then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.
    There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.
    One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it.
    How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

    The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then blushing finally replies, "Well,
    I guess the one sucking her cone."

    To which little Johnny replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring,
    but I do like the way YOU think!"

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  3. #12
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    A man applying for a job at a Mildura lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
    The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in
    picking lemons?"
    He replied: "I've been divorced three times and bought a Pajero."

  4. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to patch697 For This Useful Post:

    4bye4 (18th February 2017), Irvs (6th September 2012)

  5. #13
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    little johnnie's naughbour had a baby. unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

    when mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
    johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
    before they left their house little johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained
    that the baby had no ears.
    his dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears
    or even said the word ears,
    he would get the smacking of his life when they come back home.
    little johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
    when johnnie looked in the crib he said,
    "what a beautiful baby."
    the mother said , why thank you little johnnie.
    johnnie said ,he has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
    a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.

    can he see?
    "yes"
    the mother replied,
    "we are so thankfull; the docter said he will have 20/20 vision."
    thats great,
    said little johnnie,

    coz he'd be stuffed if he needed glasses

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to patch697 For This Useful Post:

    GU CAMPER (17th September 2012)

  7. #14
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    Over 5000 years ago Moses said "Pick up your shovels, mount your camels and asses and I will lead you to the promised land"
    40 years ago Whitlam said "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a camel, this is the promised land"
    Now the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land.
    Last night I was so depressed about health care, taxes, wars, social security, unemployment, savings and retirement funds that I rang lifeline,
    got put through to a call centre somewhere in Pakistan, told the guy I was suicidal, he got real exited and asked if I could drive a truck.

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to patch697 For This Useful Post:

    GU CAMPER (17th September 2012)

  9. #15
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    Plasnart you can stay on here I like you.....lol

  10. #16
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    This isn't a joke as such buy funny none the less


    THESE REALLY WORK!!



    AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

    1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

    2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

    3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..

    4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HI T THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

    5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

    6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

    7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

    DAILY THOUGHT:

    SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

    Cheers
    Paul

  11. #17
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    There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
    Well, Carol is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
    The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..
    He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
    The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
    At the end of the line stands Carol surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
    The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Carol .
    'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
    'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

    Cheers
    Paul

  12. #18
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    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
    She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
    After a few seconds, Little Johny stood up. The teacher said,
    'Do you think you're stupid, Johny?' 'No, ma'am,
    but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

    Cheers
    Paul

  13. #19
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    Little Johny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
    'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,
    who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Little Johny
    'Giving up?'


    Cheers
    Paul

  14. #20
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    The math teacher saw that Little Johny wasn't paying attention in class.
    She called on him and said, 'Johny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johny quickly replied,
    'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


    Cheers
    Paul

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