The Joke Thread

[jack]

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of english:

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

4. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

21. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

23. How is it possible to have a civil war?

24. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

25. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

26. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

27. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

28. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

29. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

30. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

31. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

32. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

33. Why do shops have signs, 'guide dogs only', the dogs can't read and their owners are blind?

[jack]

Port Douglas, Qld, Australia.

The owner of a golf course in Port Douglas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical assistance.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated at the James Cook University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought for a moment and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[Brissieboy]

And a few more:

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn?
If you give a jackass an education, do you get a smartass?
Streakers *repent* your end is in sight.
47.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
If peanut oil is made from peanuts, vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why is it called an asteroid when it is outside the hemisphere, but a hemorrhoid when it is in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take it for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?
If you have sex with a prostitute againmst her will, is it rape or shoplifting?
A flying saucer is what you get when a nudist spills his coffee.
A major company just developed a new paint called Blondo, it's not too bright and it spreads easily.
A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...
A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help.
Above all else: Sky.
Absence makes the heart grow fungus.
Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.
Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Analysing humour is like analysing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.
Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
Assassins do it from behind.
Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
Because of the Power Crisis, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. So far I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat a lot better.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetically spelled that way?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honours student, but you're still an idiot.
What fiend put an 's' in lisp''?
How come 'abbreviation' is such a long word?
How come you park in a driveway yet drive in a parkway?
Why do we sit in the stands?
What is Victoria's secret?

[Clunk]

The missus asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.
Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before!!!

[Clunk]

Just heard from the police that the thief who steals shirts according to their size is still at large!!!

[GeeYou8]

I heard that a midget clairvoyant had escaped, police said there was a small medium at large.

[Bush Ranger]

Last time I heard a rapper, I was taking the Polly Waffle out to eat it.

[Bush Ranger]

Kids in class were asked to put a two syllable word in a sentence. Little Susie puts her hand up and says ` Miss miss, I have one`. Teacher says okay Susie, what is it? It`s hammer miss. My dad had to use a hammer to hit a nail in to the wood the other day. Well done said the teacher. Little Cassy says ` Miss miss, I have one. What is it Cassy teacher asked. It`s rancid miss. Mum had some butter that was left out on the table the other day and it went rancid. Little Johnny was busting his gut waiting to be picked. Teacher says what`s your word Johnny and can you use it in a word. Johnny says `It`s lettuce miss, if we all behave our selves to day, would you lettuce out early`.

[Bush Ranger]

Kids are back in class again and were asked to put another two syllable in to a sentence. Little Shazza puts her hand up and was asked by the teacher what it was. She says purple miss. My skirt is purple in colour miss. Little Charlie puts his hand up and he too was asked what 2 syllable word he had. He stated it`s Thursday and to day is Thursday, which is nearly the end of the school week. Little Johnny put his hand up and busting at the seams to tell his two syllable word. Teacher asks what is it and Johnny says it`s manure. Teacher looks at him and wonders how he`s going to use this in a sentence and says okay Johnny lets hear it. Johnny says ``Man, you`re a good teacher to us miss, but you be better if you let us out early again to day.``

[BillsGU]

An Aussie stockman had just got married and he and his wife stopped at an outback hotel on their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'Do you want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.."