-
17th September 2015, 11:28 AM
#1621
Patrol God
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've
known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you
know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his
parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.
He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know
him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and
called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice,
he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows
me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
-
The Following User Says Thank You to Bob For This Useful Post:
mudnut (20th December 2015)
-
17th September 2015 11:28 AM
# ADS
Circuit advertisement
-
18th September 2015, 07:12 PM
#1622
Patrol Guru
A vagina is like roofing iron
if you don't nail it enough then it will end up at the neighbors house
-
The Following User Says Thank You to blocko05 For This Useful Post:
Bush Ranger (24th December 2015)
-
18th September 2015, 08:59 PM
#1623
..........
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."
-
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to TPC For This Useful Post:
blocko05 (20th September 2015), Bob (19th September 2015), firm351 (18th September 2015), mudnut (20th December 2015), Rossco (19th September 2015), Winnie (18th September 2015), Woof (26th September 2015)
-
26th September 2015, 07:52 PM
#1624
Legendary
2005 GU IV ST 3.0. Snorkel. Roof rack. Awning. Spots. Welded I/C. Dual batteries & VSR. UHF. Barn door hinge extension. Roof top spot lights. Rear drawers. 2" lift. NADS. EGT and boost gauges. Trans temp and water temp gauges. Provent 200 catch can. Rear ladder
And crawling on the planet's face, some insects called the human race. Lost in time. And lost in space... and meaning.
-
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to 4bye4 For This Useful Post:
BigRAWesty (24th December 2015), Onkey (27th September 2015)
-
27th September 2015, 05:18 AM
#1625
-
-
20th December 2015, 03:16 PM
#1626
Patrol God
How many dads does it take to wallpaper a room?
Three, if you slice them thinly.
My advice is: not to follow my advice.
-
-
20th December 2015, 03:20 PM
#1627
Patrol God
What do you call really expensive velcro?
A rip off.
My advice is: not to follow my advice.
-
-
20th December 2015, 03:36 PM
#1628
Patrol God
Why did the idiot have trouble leaving the hotel?
He could use the doors marked push and pull, but when he got to the door marked lift, he was stumped.
My advice is: not to follow my advice.
-
-
24th December 2015, 07:42 AM
#1629
Legendary
Think, before you speak
Here are six reasons why you should think
before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that
you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, '
No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
S oooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak!!!
"Good friends are like stars..You don't always see them,
but you know they are always there.
2007 GU 6 /ST-L / MYO8 / DIESEL/AUTO /MOONSTONE /pro vent 200
OH LEATHER IS NICE
-
The Following User Says Thank You to my third 256 For This Useful Post:
BigRAWesty (24th December 2015)
-
24th December 2015, 07:55 AM
#1630
Patrol God
When Neil Armstrong was reentering the Lunar Module he said "Best of Luck Mr Gorski"
Everybody was intrigued by that comment and thought he was referring to a fellow Russian Space traveller.
There was nobody of that name.
Neil was asked over the years what he meant by the comment but he just smiled and made no comment.
Eventually when someone asked the question again he said OK the guy is now dead and I can answer.
When I was a small boy we lived next to a Mr & Mrs Gorski.
I kicked a Ball over their fence and whilst retrieving it I heard Mrs Gorski say
"Sex you want Sex . You will get Sex when that Kid next door walks on the Moon"
See attached for explanation
http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.asp
Last edited by Bob; 24th December 2015 at 10:23 AM.
-
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Bob For This Useful Post:
4bye4 (24th December 2015), bignev (13th February 2016), BigRAWesty (24th December 2015), mudnut (11th September 2016)