The Joke Thread

[Bob]

HEAVENLY MARITAL HELP


Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

[4bye4]

HEAVENLY MARITAL HELP


Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

Use the alternative supplier - they have got plenty of lawers.

[Bob]

Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day.

Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

[4bye4]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - You're a wanker

[Bob]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."

[4bye4]

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make I found the number and dialled it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, could I please speak with Robyn?
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 22 Metric Drive, in Perth . It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Bill Jones,'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Bill?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Bill, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Bill, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'
I said, 'Make me,'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Bill Jones.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 22 Metric Drive, in Perth . It’s a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Bill. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 22 Metric Drive, Perth, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Metric Drive, Perth .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Metric Drive.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

[Bob]

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious,"
the saleslady says.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[mudnut]

Little Johnnie was having
trouble with his grades
at school. After much
discussion his parents
decided to send him
to a catholic primary.

When Johnnie came
home after his first
day at his new school,
he went straight to his
room and began his
homework. This
went on for a few weeks
until he brought his
half-yearly report home.
With trepidation his mum
opened the envelope and
began reading the report.
She was amazed to see
that Johnnies grades were
excellent.
"Wow," she exclaimed.
"Johnnie, how come
you have done
so much better at your
new school?"

"Well, Mum, when I saw
the statue of the guy
nailed to the big plus sign, I
knew that they were'nt
joking!"

[Bob]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked: 'When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?'

The first guy says: 'I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.'

The second guy says: 'I would like to hear that I was a school teacher who made a huge difference.'

The last guy replies: 'I would like to hear them say... "LOOK .. HE'S MOVING!"'

[blocko05]

Pat asked Murphy one day " if i was to sleep with your wife and she fell pregnant and had a baby would that mean we would be related"
Murphy scratched his head and replied " no but it would make us even though"