The Joke Thread

[patch697]

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush....."

[patch697]

THE OUTHOUSE POEM


The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

[CoR]

haha, good one!

[CoR]

Irish Joke


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died – Muldoon was beside himself with grief.

He went to Father Patrick the local parish priest and asked…..
“Father me dog is dead! Can ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied….”I’m afraid not, we cannot have a service for an animal in the church, but there are some Baptists down the lane and there’s no telling what they believe….maybe they’ll do something for the poor creature”.

Muldoon says ..” I’ll go right away Father, do ya think 5000 pounds is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus, why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic”.

[patch697]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating

for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.



My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.



One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.



Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm

going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,

just come up and get me.'



I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I

stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!



With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'



And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[patch697]

A blond decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blond begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.



Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground, time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworths supermarket trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

[patch697]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu..

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'


The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[patch697]

This is mythical and deep.
Truly beautiful...

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses."

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"




The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...





NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

[CoR]

lol some good ones here. Keep it up!

Here's another one:


A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet .
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:
'SEX
FROGS'

Only $20 each!
Comes with complete instructions.


The Girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie..
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . ..
NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:


'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ....
MORE ....
TIME!!!'

[CoR]

More to come soon lol.