The Joke Thread

[the ferret]

It did not taste like dog

Ha ha, that means nothing.
What they sometimes do is cook lots of turkey, then cook the dog in the turkey oil, that way it tastes like turkey, smells like turkey,
and looks like turkey.
Do you ever have the urge to chase cars or lift your leg near a tree??
Cheers, the ferret.

[growler2058]

Ha ha, that means nothing.
What they sometimes do is cook lots of turkey, then cook the dog in the turkey oil, that way it tastes like turkey, smells like turkey,
and looks like turkey.
Do you ever have the urge to chase cars or lift your leg near a tree??
Cheers, the ferret.

I do hahahahahahahahaa

[rottodiver]

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."


"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[Pete's GU3]

A man says to his wife

" If i win tattslotto and give you half the money , will you leave me "?

She thinks about it for 2 seconds and says " yes i will "

" Good , here's $ 7.50 , now piss off !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[belzi82]

My mate won an xBox 360 in a work's raffle today.I offered to buy it off him for half
price,to which he happily agreed & passed it over to me."Can I have my money then?" he said."What money?" I laughed."Well you said you'd buy it off me for half price" "Yeah,you paid nothing.Half of nothing is nothing.Cheers."

[belzi82]

A blonde woman named Britney finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial straits.
She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... ‘God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.’
Lotto night comes and she does not win.
Britney again prays... ‘God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and now I’m going to lose my car.’
Lotto night comes and Britney still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... ‘Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.’
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Britney is confronted by the voice of God himself... ‘Britney, work with me on this. Buy a ticket.’

[Smile]

Why is 6 afraid of 7 ?

Because 7 8 9

[belzi82]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

[belzi82]

here is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Jessica is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Jessica surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Jessica .
‘I'm sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’

[patch697]

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN SCREAM IN BED..
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Put a dead mouse in her blankets.