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Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed
a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard,
my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister.
Both of her parents - Socialist Labor - were standing there,
so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride!
"Wow! what a worthy goal!" I said.
"But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.
"What do you mean?" she replied.
So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50.
Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and
you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks.
Does the shit stick to your fur?
The rabbit says no.
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Originally Posted by 89GQ
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