The Joke Thread

[Clunk]

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[TPC]

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Meanwhile in the Dublin church oratory, Paddy and Micks sons, Sean, Liam, Conor and Dylan had a competition to see who could cum the highest up the wall.
They were in there masturbating furiously and Father O'Leary walked in, had a look at what was happening and he hit the roof.

[Clunk]

I couldn't help but overhear two fellas in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his mate: "Man you look tired."
His mate says: ​“Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day.​ She wants sex before breakfast, sex before I go to work, when I come home she’s tearing my shirt off as I come through the door.
She’s got her hands down my pants after dinner. She even joins me in the shower almost every night. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow in his 50’s sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that shit!"!!!

[GQtdauto]

Robbie Williams , Elton John and Kyle Minogue were on there way back to their hotel after a hard night of drinking , as they passed a fence with bars on it Robbie grabs Kyle and jams her head between the bars rips off her knickers and starts having his way with her .
Just as he finishes he turns to Elton and says your turn mate , and with that Elton starts balling his eyes out uncontrollably, what the hells the matter asks Robbie Williams ? Elton says I can't fit my head between the bars .

[Clunk]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” the man replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“Can’t,” breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slowly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.“
Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies toilets.”!!!

[GQtdauto]

A dirty old drunk who never missed a day at his local pub in years suddenly doesn't show up one Saturday , the bartender who knew him well thought maybe he's sick , next day still no drunk and the bartender thinks geez he must be crook .
When it got to the Thursday the bartender thought the poor old bugger must have died but the next day the Friday he shows up , gimme a beer he drools , the bartender pulls him a beer slides it over to him and says where have you been in hospital or something ?
The Drunk says nah when I left here last Friday staggering home when I got to the railway track there was a Sheila tied up to the tracks so I untied her and took her back to my place where we made mad passionate love using every imaginable position in every room of the house .
And that's where I've been all week !
The bartender says what ! A filthy dirty old barstard like you , you haven't had a tub in years , you're still wearing the same spew stained shirt you had on four weeks ago I don't believe you !
The drunks says no , scouts honour , straight up never bullshit in me life !
The bartender thinks about it and says what did this Sheila look like ?
The drunk says I don't know I couldn't find the head !

[4bye4]

Yea whatever!!
careful.jpg

[GQtdauto]

Yea whatever!!
careful.jpg

Must be something wrong with me I understand that completely.

[BillsGU]

Paddy got a job working in a bakery.

One day the health inspector walked in and caught Paddy with his false teeth in his hand. He was using them to make the patterns in the crust on top of the apple pies.

The health inspector said "Paddy - I'm disgusted! Haven't you got a tool?"

Paddy said "I do. But I use that for the doughnuts."