The Joke Thread

[growler2058]

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

SEND THIS TO ALL THE MEN & WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGh.

[Bob]

A man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.

[damianovdd]

Rhinoceros asks a Dinosaur:
- Does Noah added you as a friend at Facebook?
- Well, no.
- Baaaaad....

[Bob]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Spock]

Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are ya up to, Mate?"

"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 cattle from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah........and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus.............. after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

[Spock]

Coyote Population
The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting
an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods
of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would
then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and
Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up,
tipped his hat back and said,
'Son, I don't think you understand our problem.
Those coyotes ain't *uckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
The roar of laughter was deafening!

[Sir Roofy]

Excellent from both bob and spock

[Spock]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[Spock]

I was lying on the sofa watching TV when I heard my first wife's voice from the kitchen :


"What would you like for dinner sweetie....chicken, beef or lamb ?"


I said, "Thank you ; I'll have chicken."

She said "Get f#@ed, you're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

That's when I knew my marriage was in deep sh!t...

[Spock]

Taken from church bulletins/newsletters



• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
• The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community..
• Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.