The Joke Thread

[Gecko17]

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji.

[Gecko17]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

[jack]

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be today."

Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to the guy's delight, sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks.
Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me.

The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I.

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that His Holiness is tapping his pencil, thinking. After a little while of pencil taping, the Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything Your Holiness.. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

[Gecko17]

-- Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mum got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay envelope at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those pricks at Bunnings ever deliver the farkin' gyprock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

[Wine_maker]

How to turn copper in to the gold?

It's easy mate!

Al + Cu = Au + Cl

[Gecko17]

I walked into a chemist shop in Perth, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help me.

I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with the highest level of professionalism.

I then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it." showing her the problem.

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is:

a.. 1/3 ownership in the shop ....
b.. A company car...
c.. Seven home cooked dinners a week .....
d.. And $ 3,000 a month in living expenses."

[firm351]

An Australian electrician (Royalty of all Trades, or at least they think they are) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself
at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name,
and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the
Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.
" "Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the electrician sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter,
I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what?
I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm an electrician - the Royalty of all Trades??"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160
years old! God himself wants to see you!" The electrician is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says
"Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be
forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."

[TPC]

An Australian electrician (Royalty of all Trades, or at least they think they are) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself
at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name,
and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the
Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.
" "Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the electrician sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter,
I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what?
I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm an electrician - the Royalty of all Trades??"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160
years old! God himself wants to see you!" The electrician is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says
"Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be
forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."

That could work with a lot of trades.

[jack]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ... back and forth ... back and forth ...
in and out ... in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"OK, OK! I can't park the f***ing car! You do it!

[jack]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...