The Joke Thread

[nowoolies]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully.
If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
A very angry Teacher: Where the f*ck do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a f*ckin' cat at home!!!

[YNOT]

A Priest walks outside his church see's little Johnny playing with a bottle so he stops and asks Johnny what's in the bottle. "Sulphuric acid" replys Johnny.
"Oh my" says the priest and rushes back inside the church. He walks back over to Johnny and says "how would you like to swap that bottle for my bottle of Holy water?" Little Johnny looks confused and says "what can I do with that?"
The priest smiles ands says "Well the other day I rubbed some of this on a lady's tummy and she passed a beautiful baby boy".
Johnny says "That's nothing, I just poured some of this on a cats bum and it passed a Mercedes!"

Tony

[Mad4Mud]

Overheard conversation between two elderly ladies sitting at a poker machine:
First lady asks, "Ethel, did you come on the new bus service that stops right out the front?", to which Ethel replies, "certainly did, lovey, but i made it look like an asthma attack".

[Mad4Mud]

Lady goes to see her doctor and tells him, "Doc, the strangest thing's been happening lately. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm".
The Doctor, eye brows now raised, asks her, "have you been taking anything for it?"
"F#*kin' oath. Pepper!"

[nowoolies]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house”. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.





Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said....



"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

[nowoolies]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.



When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month mark of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails, Ed was waiting for the salad, and said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.. So, before I get out a box from my jacket and ask you possibly a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.

I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball!"

[nowoolies]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?



The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.


The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.


The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.


The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.



The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked.

He asks "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.

It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.





.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.




DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !
....but I bet you send it on!

[nowoolies]

Global Facts About Sex











At Any Given Moment:




FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!



FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.



FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.



FACT:
1 elderly person is reading emails.





You hang in there, Sunshine ..........

[growler2058]

HA mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach. And the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."AHAHAHHAHAAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHA HAH

[nowoolies]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'


MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.