The Joke Thread

[Hardyards]

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left,
the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, and the statistician yells, ‘We got ‘im!’ ”

[mudnut]

Beware Dad joke ahead...

A huge crowd went to the Music Bowl to see a rock concert. Halfway through a song the power dropped out. The electricians sprang into action, but couldn't fix the the problem. The crowd were getting a bit upset and were starting to carry on a bit in the near darkness. All of a sudden a small bloke jumped up on the stage and waved his hands for the crowd to settle.

When it was quite he raised his voice, "Everyone raise your hands in the air!''

The power magically came back, the and everyone cheered loudly in the brightness. As the little fellow walked off the stage, an electrician asked him how the power was restored.

The bloke smiled and said, "Confucius say, many hands make light work."

[NP99]

Talking to a mate, down the club. He mentioned he had a mate, in the Army, but could not understand the Army lingo. Simple, I sez,


" All the people in the Army are soldiers, all privates are soldiers, but not all soldiers are privates. Some are Officers who are commissioned, but some are officers who are not commissioned. Obviously if every private was called private it would be confusing, so some privates are called things like trooper, driver, gunner, craftsman, sapper or signaller. Not all the drivers actually drive because some of them cook, but they are not called cooks, for that matter, not all drivers are called drivers.- some of them are called privates or gunners. Gunners as you know, are the men who fire guns, unless of course they are drivers or signallers just to make it clearer. All gunners belong to the Artillery, except that in the Infantry there are gunners who are called privates because they fire a different sort of gun , for the same reason the Army call the drivers & signallers private as well


Well, my mate reached for another rum, & I went on. A lance corporal is called corporal, unless he is a lance bombardier, then he is called bombardier to distinguish him from a full bombardier, who is just like a corporal. All other ranks are called by their rank for the sake of simplicity except that staff Sgt's are called staff, but they are not on the staff. Some warrant officers , who are not officers , are called Sgt Major, although they are not Sgts. or Majors. Some Warrant Officers are called Mister, which is the same thing some officers are called, but they are not Warrant Officers. Lieutenants are also called mister because they are subalterns, but their rank is always written as Lieutenant, or Second Lieutenant, and second comes before first.


My mate started drinking double rums, which was a bit strange .I went on. When we talk about groups of soldiers there obviously has to be clear distinction. They are called Officers & soldiers although we know that Officers are soldiers too, sometimes we talk about Officers and other ranks, which is the same as calling them soldiers. I guess it is easiest when we talk about rank & file which is all the troops on parade except the Officers & some of the NCO's- & a few of the privates- and the term is used whether everyone is on parade or not. A large group is called a Battalion, unless it is a regiment but sometimes a regiment is much bigger than a Battalion and then it has nothing to do with the other sort of regiment. Sub units are called companies unless they are squadrons or troops or batteries for that matter. That is not radio batteries & don't confuse this type of troop with the type who are soldiers, but not Officers.


My mate started to slowly hit his head against the bar. I've seen that happen with rum drinkers. So, I went on. Mostly the Army is divided into Corps as well as units, not the sort of Corps which is a couple of divisions but the sort which tells you straight away what trade each man performs, whether he is a tradesman or not. The Infantry Corps has all the infantrymen for example & the Artillery Corps has all the gunners. Both these Corps also have signallers and drivers except those who are in the Signals or Transport Corps. Both those Corps provide a special service and that's why the Transport Corps provides cooks. In fact the Signals Corp is not a service at all because it is an an arm. Arms do all the fighting, although signals don't have to fight too much, rather like engineers who are also an arm, but they don't fight too much either.


I looked at my mate, he was quietly sobbing into his triple rum. I didn't know he loved the Army that much. Cant wait to explain the Australian tax system to him. Bit more complicated than the Army though.

[Punderhead]

An Aussie, an American, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Vietnamese, an Englishman, a kiwi, an African, an Egyptian, a Frenchman, a German, and an Irishman are walking into a fancy restaurant. The waiter takes one look at the group and says



"I'm sorry, but you can't come in without a Thai!

Cheers

[NP99]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

[NP99]

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

[NP99]

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still f*cking!"

[NP99]

Chuck Norris isn't even that great. If he was so great, he would come up behind me right now and slam my head on the keybswuhowdbfoecn ejefj cjehcefj.

[mudnut]

Another Dad joke..

A bloke went to an interview for a job as a handyman at a retirement home.

The boss asked him, "Can you do electrical work?"

"No", replied the bloke.

"Are you good at carpentry?"

"Not really", he shrugged.

"How about painting?"

"Um, no," the bloke grimaced.

"Why did you apply for the job as a handyman, then?" the boss frowned.

"Oh, that's easy. I live just around the corner."

[Clunk]

Police have today searched Cliff Richards house and have so far found a devil woman, a living doll and a bachelor boy. They were unable to interview him as he is on his summer holiday with some young ones. Police have however, confirmed Carrie doesn't live there anymore.























Too soon?