The Joke Thread

[Bob]

A Poultry Farmer goes to the local Market to buy a Rooster. There is a magnificent rooster for sale for $1,000. The Farmer says to the Vendor that he likes the look of the Rooster and wants to buy it but the Price is a bit steep. After much haggling the Farmer purchases the Rooster for $800.
The Farmer places the Rooster in the Cab of his Ute and starts to drive home. After about five minutes he feels a tap on his shoulder and the Rooster asks how many Chooks does the Farmer have. The Farmer is astounded to hear the Rooster talk but answers that he has 3,000 young Chooks. The Rooster starts to get excited and tells the Farmer to put his foot down and get home ASAP.
Upon arriving at the Farm the Rooster excitingly asks the Farmer where the Chooks are. The Farmer says “Listen mate I paid good money for you so just take it easy and the Chooks are over in that Shed”. The Rooster takes off like a scalded Cat whilst the Farmer frets that the Rooster might over do it. The Farmer goes into the Farmhouse and makes himself a meal. After about 1 Hour he there is a Knock on the Door and when he opens it there is the Rooster who asks does the Farmer have any other Poultry on the Farm. The Farmer says that he has 2000 Ducks down on the Dam but please take it easy as I don’t want to lose you as you cost a lot of money. The Rooster takes off at a great pace down to the Dam and the Farmer goes back into the House.
After about another Hour there is a knock on the door and it is the Rooster who asks what else does the Farmer have on the Farm. The Farmer very reluctantly says the he has 5000 Geese down in far Paddock and like a shot the Rooster takes off down to the Paddock.
After 3 Hours the Rooster has not come back so the Farmer walks down to the far Paddock and there he finds the Rooster on his back with Buzzards circulating over head . The Farmer walks up to the Rooster and says out loud I paid good money for that Rooster and now he has over done it and is dead. The Rooster opens one eye and says to the Farmer “Go away those Buzzards are getting Closer”

[Pete's GU3]

What's the best form of contraception after 50?
Nudity...

C'mon ...you cant be that bad Katwomen??? ..but then again Gippsland....####,,just gagging...

[katwoman]

C'mon ...you cant be that bad Katwomen??? ..but then again Gippsland....####,,just gagging...

Ouch, lucky I don't have feelings..

[Bob]

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

[Bob]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[patch697]

How muck cocaine has Charley Sheen done???????


Enough to kill two & a half men.........lolololololololol

[HippoNZ]

How do you catch a squirell?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

[Clunk]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.


A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70! Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.


The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

[Bob]

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

[benzo]

crack ups
;p