The Joke Thread

[fixer982]

Paddy says to Mick " Can you give me a hand with this jigsaw, its supposed to be a tiger."

Mick says " Put the frosties back in the box you thick git ! "

[JohnnyBigPants]

Doctor: I haven't seen you for a while Mr Smith
Mr Smith: I've been ill

[growler2058]

Doctor: I haven't seen you for a while Mr Smith
Mr Smith: I've been ill

OHHHhhhhh DEAR!!!!!!! hahahahaha

[JohnnyBigPants]

Man has a job interview; it goes well, he's offered the job and sets off on the long drive home in his car. About 20mins into the journey, he takes a call from his new boss who says that they were that impressed, they would actually like to offer him a supervisor position. In his delight, he lost concentration and drifted out of his lane on the highway and swerved back on the horn blast from a truck. About half hour later a senior manager of his new employer called him up and told him that his new boss had been fired and given that they were all so impressed by his interview, offered him the managers job, if he would take it. Delighted again, he lost focus on driving, drifted across 3 lanes of highway, and drove over the rumble strips before correcting and resuming his journey. About an hour later, a call came in from his new company's CEO who said that he had been informed of the potential of the organisation's newest recruit and being a man of action, said that he didn't like wasting time, so he would make him a senior partner in the business and give a position on the board of directors. With this news, the man lost control of the car swerved off the road and collided head on with a tree. He wasn't too badly hurt. A police officer approached him and asked if he could tell him what happened.

"Sure," he said," I careered off the road"......

[growler2058]

Double OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[fixer982]

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and
take up golf, so he puts his name down at the local club. After a week
he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he
goes down to the club to inquire why.





Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?




Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are, Jock.



Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.


Scot: Aye, so do I.




Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?




Scot: Neither do I.



Secretary: But you are a Jew?


Scot: Aye, I be that.



Secretary: So you are circumcised?


Scot: Aye, I be that too.




Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel
comfortable with that.



Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant
to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic
to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I
heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

[fixer982]

CHEAP SUITS


Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy looked in
one
of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read,
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".


Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole
lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when
we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking ‘cause if they hear
our accents, they might think we’re thicko’s from Ireland and try to screw
us.. I'll put on my best English accent.”

“Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business” said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice,
"Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each,
100 shirts at £2..00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at
£2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load ‘em on, so I
will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"


The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

[dwrjr]

After playing pool billiards for a while, a man walks over to the bar and orders a straight whiskey, which he downs. After a few more, he's obviously inebriated. He calls the barkeep over, shows him his empty glass on the bar, and says: "I bet you fifty dollars I can stand on your bar and pee in that glass without spilling a single drop!". Never one to pass up easy money, the barkeep says: "you're on, mate". The drunk stands up on the bar, takes it out, and proceeds to pee all over the bar, without getting a single drop into the glass. He hands the barkeep fifty dollars, and starts laughing and laughing. Barkeep says: "Wait, you just lost fifty dollars and you think that's funny?". Drunk says: "You know what's funny? You see those 8 blokes standing around the pool table? Before I started drinking, I bet each one of them that I could piss all over your bar, and you wouldn't even get mad at me!".

[jimbeamteam]

A man and wife are asleep in bed, there is a loud knock at the door. The husband looks at the clock and says who the hells that at 3 in the morning, he gets out of bed puts his slippers and gown on and walks down the stairs, he opens the door to a bloke who has obviously had a few too many "SCCUUUUSSEE MEE MMAATTEE, WUD YOUU BEEE ABLE TOOO GIVE ME AAA PUSHHH" the husband replies "No bugger off" ,slams the door in the drunk mans face and storms back to bed. After the man tells his wife what happened she reminds him of the time they broke down in the middle of the night and he had to go and knock somebody up for a push, "alright fine, I'll give him a push" the husband gets up puts his slippers and gown back on, heads down stairs, opens the door and looks round for the bloke. "Hey mate, do you still need a push". "YESSH PPLEASE" shouts the drunk guy. The husband still cant see him so he shouts out " where are ya?". "ROUUND THE BACKK ONN THE SHWING"

[AB]

A man and wife are asleep in bed, there is a loud knock at the door. The husband looks at the clock and says who the hells that at 3 in the morning, he gets out of bed puts his slippers and gown on and walks down the stairs, he opens the door to a bloke who has obviously had a few too many "SCCUUUUSSEE MEE MMAATTEE, WUD YOUU BEEE ABLE TOOO GIVE ME AAA PUSHHH" the husband replies "No bugger off" ,slams the door in the drunk mans face and storms back to bed. After the man tells his wife what happened she reminds him of the time they broke down in the middle of the night and he had to go and knock somebody up for a push, "alright fine, I'll give him a push" the husband gets up puts his slippers and gown back on, heads down stairs, opens the door and looks round for the bloke. "Hey mate, do you still need a push". "YESSH PPLEASE" shouts the drunk guy. The husband still cant see him so he shouts out " where are ya?". "ROUUND THE BACKK ONN THE SHWING"

LMAO...Classic dad joke that one...I like it!