The Joke Thread

[Maxhead]

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that." 😂😂😂😂

[Bush Ranger]

Why has santa have such a big sack?




He only comes once a year.

[rusty_nail]

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the male driver.

"No way", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver?

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY?" quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy

"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies" the driver offered.

The boy sighed: "Listen Dad, you bought a Land Cruiser - you live with it!"

Sent from my E6782 using Tapatalk

[4bye4]

text.jpg

Now thats funky.
Furry.
Funny dammit

[mudnut]

A snake slithers into a vets surgery, bumping into things as he went. The vet sent the snake to an optometrist who made a pair of specs for the snake.
A week or two later the vet saw the snake down the street and asked him how he was.
The snake replied " I'm bloody depressed, 'cause I found out I was married to a hose!"

[Punderhead]

Two Irishman are at the pub having a drink together.

One says to the other
"I can't help but think from Ye accent that yer from Ireland."

"Aye! From Dublin I am!"

Dublin yer say!! Why bless my heart I grew up in Clontarf!"

Clontarf!!! Did Ye go to st Joseph's college?

Aye, graduated in 89!

How can we have graduated in the same year from the same place, yet have never met!!

The bartender sighs and says

It's gunna be a long night! The murphy twins are drunk again!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Maxhead]

[Touses]

I AM A SEENAGER

I am a seenager, senior teenager.

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work,

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own place,

I don't have a curfew.

I have a drivers licence and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into pubs,clubs and bottle shops.

The women I hang about with are not scared of getting pregnant,

And I don't have acne.

Life is great.

[jack]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[jack]

A Nissan mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Patrol when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this.?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Patrol.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $ 50,000 a year and you make $ 500,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work.?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.... "Try doing it with the f#%king engine running!..