The Joke Thread

[Steve4wdin]

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
And whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy.....

[Steve4wdin]

TARZAN Meets JANE

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had Sex.

"Tarzan not know Sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what Sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, and lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

[Ben-e-boy]

Good old Bob Hawk.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMa0...e_gdata_player

[TPC]

Good old Bob Hawk.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMa0...e_gdata_player

That was bloody funny.

[Bush Ranger]

Why has santa got such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

[Bob]

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

[Punderhead]

An spy agency had three recruits to put through the final stage of initiation. To guys and one girl.

They took the first guy, gave him a loaded gun, and said "we need to know that you can follow orders to the letter, no matter what! In that room is your wife. Take this gun and kill her!"

The man took the gun. But before he reached the door, he broke down and said he couldn't do it.

They then took the second man and told him the same thing.

He went into the room, and came out five minutes later, said nothing, put the fun down and walked out.

Then they took the woman. And told her to kill her husband.

She grabbed the gun, walked into the.room. And before the door was shut, they heard the clip being emptied. Soon after they heard a few loud crashes.

The woman walks out of the room, looking messed up, and yells " YOU DIDNT TELL ME THAT YOU LOADED THE GUN WITH BLANKS!!! I had to beat him to death with a chair!!!!"

Cheers

[Bob]

Subject: VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND




John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[Bush Ranger]

A bloke walked past an ice creamery that had a sign out the front saying `` We can make any flavoured ice cream you want``, He couldn`t resist, but to walk in and ask if they can make a vagina flavoured ice cream. The reply was a yes we can. After 10 minutes of waiting, the ice cream was made and the bloke couldn`t wait to try it. He took a lick and spat the ice cream out and complained that it tasted like cr@p. The sales assistant told him that he took to big of a lick.

[MEGOMONSTER]

The Porch

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right.... I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".