Thanks guys I do appreciate it.... I find friends dont know how to cope with it and can even be dismissive of it.

I am not in any danger of anything stupid I have way to much to live for but do find it so so strange that I know what is going on and know that I love life but the feeling is still there??????

I dont want to go to the doctors for reasons that may sound odd to many but I have a gun licence and dont want to lose it... I enjoy hunting and feral control so this may affect that??

I rang the help line 17 years ago when I did plan to top myself and it was a massive help, I spoke to the lady for more than 2 hours and after felt this great weight lifted from me.

I was in outback NSW and away from my wife and it was the darkest I had ever felt.. I had planned to ride my motorcycle to the railway crossing at 1.15am as I knew the train would be past and was all ready to go when I fell asleep.... funny heh!!

It was that morning I rang for help and it was brilliant.

I think it is as DX stated the stresses of life sometimes they mount up a bit and the normal load we can deal with day to day get too much.

I think I am a bit run down from all thats been going on and need to eat some fruit and not drink beer, he he!!!!!