Depression

[Evo]

I don't know if it's all just from pain and inability to do what I want, to go back to work, or all the places and people I've seen that have not been able to help.
Have been pushed from pillar to post...
Neurosurgeon, orthopaedic surgeon, pain management, rehab management, occupational therapy, physiotherapy, job counselling, psychologist, psychiatrist. Probably others in there too.
Then the meds... Anti-depressants, 3 types and dosages of pain meds, nerve blockers, 2 types of sleeping meds, have had 2 epidural injections, and then some.

I was 25 when this all started, just moved into our house 3 years before, things were going good, planning wise and financially.

Now it just seems like... I don't have the word for it.
Every dollar is accounted for, the missus does a budget each month to make sure we can get by and maybe put a few dollars away for saving.
And just when you think you may just get ahead, even by the smallest margin, something always happens.
We make sure the mortgage is paid first, then whatever the little man needs, then bills.
Whatever is left has to cover everything else, fuel, etc.
We once had to go out grocery shopping with just $12.
No outside help, we manage by ourselves.
She's the bread winner, I'm just, I don't know what you would call me...
It kills me to not be able to give the missus and my little fella whatever they want like years ago.
My mind is always going, always thinking, about tomorrow, and the next day.
What if X happens, will we manage to cover Y?
What if?
How?
When?
And if it all.goes to s#!+ tomorrow, then what?

Like you have all said, not easy...
It's not easy, but why do I feel that this is my cross to bear? That I have to do this on my own? Is it because I have always relied on myself? Always done things on my own? Don't trust enough?

Don't know.

These words are pretty spot on.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's only me, and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one, and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and every thing's all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one, and I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone...